Relationships, Boundaries, and Facebook

Social networks have injected an interesting new aspect into our lives and relationships. Today, we’re all living very publically. We’re our own paparazzi and gossip magazine, updating the web with every little thought, piece of drama, and embarrassing picture of friends. Our boundaries are very quickly fading away with each status update, wall post, and friend request.
Our relationships are feeling the effects of this public lifestyle. As the boundaries of self have started to wander farther from the home and closer to the realm of the internet, the boundaries of our relationships react very much the same. Everyone knows that we just listened to our favorite song on Spotify. We show goofy vacation pictures to everyone we’ve ever met (and a few people who haven’t) with just a click of a button. Friends, family, coworkers, and exes alike can see that sweet love note we left on our partner’s wall.
And it isn’t just our own interactions on display: We can see everyone else’s interactions with our partner. Upon first meeting (and consequent friend request approval), we are greeted with a plethora of photos, status updates and comments, wall posts, and a list of friends and family. We can see everyone who publicly communicates with our partner, all of their shared photos, and more. There is less effort required to get to know someone as we’ve all broadcasted ourselves, our lives, and our thoughts for everyone else to read and absorb.
What does this mean for the modern relationship? Danger! Facebook is great for connecting with friends, but the blurred lines of boundaries and propriety hurt relationships more than they help. Many people feel what can only be termed as “Facebook jealousy” when they spy photos of their partner with their ex lurking in the albums, and comments from attractive people on status updates. One study from 2009 suggested that Facebook was one of the largest contributors of unique experiences of jealousy in a relationship! Many people have a problem of over sharing online, and may broadcast embarrassing or hurtful information about their partner without realizing the repercussions. Still more problems arise from individuals who remain in close contact with previous partners, friends who may want more out of a relationship, and the attractive coworker that they spend time with during office hours.
But with the lines of Facebook communication, manners, and need-to-know boundaries so obscured, how do you protect your relationship from online drama? Here are a few simple rules to help you keep your boundaries in place and your relationship in tact when using Facebook and other social media:
1. Talk with your partner about what your online boundaries should be. Are there certain groups who should receive limited information? Should you ask permission before posting those beach photos on your profile and tagging your partner? Are there certain people in your life that you might not want to have on your friends list because of your partner’s feelings?
2. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. It’s never a good idea to take an argument with your partner public. It’s even less of a good idea to continue the argument where everyone you know can see. Even simple things, out of context can seem huge. Aside from embarrassing your partner, you’re inviting others to recognize a potential weakness in your relationship. Does your ex really need to know about that fight over the remote control?
3. Choose your friends carefully. Facebook and other social networks can be a great way to reconnect with people from your past. It might be cool to see updates from that old friend that moved away in middle school, but not everyone should make it onto your list. You should probably consider an important question before you accept any friend request: Would my partner be OK with me doing this? Whether it’s your ex, or your partner’s grandmother, there are drawbacks to having certain people in your network.
4. Be careful who you talk to. Not everyone needs to know every detail of your life. This is especially true for exes and friends of the opposite sex. There’s no rule about avoiding platonic interactions with any of these people, but you should be very careful about who knows what. You might need to vent about your partner’s behavior, but you probably don’t need to do it to your attractive, single workmate. Talk to your best friend instead!
When in doubt, don’t. This holds true for many aspects of your life, and is a good rule for Facebook boundaries. Not sure if your friends or partner would approve of a picture? Don’t post it! Not sure if your partner is OK with long Facebook messages from your previous romantic lead? Don’t respond to them. (And you might want to let your partner know that they exist, and that you didn’t respond.) Not sure if your old flame is trying to rekindle the fires via social networks? Don’t friend them!