Seven Questions to Ask Your Money

If you are not feeling particularly fulfilled in your relationship with money, it’s time for you to see if you have run into some fear of intimacy issues in that area of your life.

When I practiced as a couple’s therapist, one of the most classic dances I witnessed was the push-pull or pursuer-distancer dynamic between two people. Each person was wired in such a way, for reasons of both nature and nurture, to be either a pursuer or distancer. They of course would be very attracted to each other, and inevitably find themselves in a power struggle over just how much closeness there would be in the relationship.

If we use feet as the metric, one wanted a foot of space between them and another 10 feet. The first would pull for more time and attention in an attempt to get close, and the second would move away, avoid, or even push away to maintain the greater distance.

Since almost every relationship has a variation on this theme, I know you may be remembering the discomfort you have felt in either position. For one, it is always an intimacy killer, until you become aware of your part.

What does this have to do with money? Well, I am seeing some interesting patterns over and over in the people I work with and people in general.

Some are really just like the pursuer, trying to close the gap, and get more and more money, grasping, at times clinging. They are often anxious and worried about where the money is going at any given moment.

As an over-possessive partner with money, you may be prone to do too much yourself, and not get the support you need to move ahead. You see investing in support as an expense, rather than an investment in yourself and your business. You will hold yourself and your business back, and thus fail to achieve the degree of intimacy you really want with money, and the success that you ultimately desire.

And then there are the avoiders. These people, often women leave matters of money up to men, or even if they are in business for themselves, don’t pay much attention to where the money is going, and fail to know when the relationship is nearly on the rocks. It is interesting to note that these are some traits that often frustrate women about men in personal relationships!

When working with a pursuer-distancer couple, I would always tell each one that they must learn to act in a counter-instinctual way. In other words, the way they are wired is a reaction to a past event or situation in which they were not met fully. The pursuer must grow the muscle of being contained and cease the grasping and clinging, and the distancer must grow the muscle of moving toward the other.

In the same way, to function as a true adult with the capacity for intimacy with money involves letting go of some old ingrained patterns and learning new skills that support the relationship.

You have to get honest with yourself!!!

The following exercise is adapted from the work of John Randolf Price, who wrote the Abundance Book.:
Take a $1.00 bill and hold it in your hands. Say to this symbol of money, “I recognize you to be the spirit of substance in form. You are alive and conscious, and I am now transferring my feelings and thoughts about money to you.”

Now in your mind’s eye see a stream of energy flowing out of your solar plexus and into and saturating the dollar bill.

Ask these questions of the dollar bill, and write down your answers:

1. How would you describe my attitude toward you?

2. Am I afraid of you? If so, why?

3. Have I ever abused you and if so, how?

4. On a scale of 1-10, how would you measure my integrity as it specifically relates to you, money?

5. Do you feel I am a responsible person in my transactions with you?

6. What other thoughts or feelings do you have regarding my feelings and attitudes toward you?

7. What do you want from me that I am not giving to you?

This exercise will reveal some aspects of your money shadow, having to do with issues of greed, betrayal and loss. It is entirely possible to dissolve those barriers to peace and success in your life, and realize an entirely fulfilling and life-giving relationship with money, if you really want that.

As I always said to my couples, “You can either be right or in relationship.” It is not about right and wrong---but about the connection!!!