Sex, Sex, Sex!

Sex, Sex, Sex! By Charles D. Schmitz, Ph.D. Elizabeth A. Schmitz, Ed.D. "the marriage doctors" and Authors of the Book Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage (Available at Amazon.com) . First of all, please understand, there are volumes of books on the shelves of your local bookstore about sex – sex in a marriage, sex in love, good sex, bad sex, kinky sex, styles of sex, positions in sex, how-to sex, intimate sex, erotic sex, healthy sex, pre-marital sex – sex, sex, sex! Sex can save a marriage. Sex can cause a divorce. Sex should occur before marriage. Sex should occur only after marriage. Sex keeps you young. Senior sex. Healthy sex. Unhealthy sex. Sex, Sex, Sex! You name it, there is a sex book written about it. Oh, for sure, every happily married couple we have interviewed over the last 25 years reported at least a reasonable degree of satisfaction with their sex life. But you know what, NOT ONE of the couples we interviewed who had been married 30-60 years reported that their sex life was central to overall success of their relationship. Not one! Sure it was important, but if you think anybody’s marriage is going to last 30 or more years just because they have good sex ---- well, forget it! It isn’t going to happen. Lasting marriages are characterized by frequent moments of intimacy and bliss. Over the years, we have had a wonderfully healthy sexual relationship with each other. Sometimes our sex is so good . . . . . well, we won’t bore you with the details! We could wax on and on about the role of sex in a marriage, but others have done that over and over. Those who write about sex all the time might have contributed to much of the dysfunctionality surrounding sex in relationships. Frankly, some of the popular books on the subject we have seen hold up a standard of sexual performance and gratification that hardly any couple could achieve. And worse yet, couples that can’t live up to the “standard” think they’ve failed. Many times their relationship suffers. We think the problem with many failed marriages we have observed is, in fact, the over-emphasis on sex. We know couples that have been married over 30 years who rarely ever have sex, yet, they report being happily and blissfully married because they excel at all the other things that make for a successful and lasting marriage. Our message should be clear to our readers – in happy marriages sex can be fun, important, and a healthy way of being intimate with your partner. On the other hand, based on our research and first-hand experience, we think it is grossly overemphasized in terms of its centrality to successful and long-term marriages. So much more is present in those relationships that pass the test of time. Sex is only one of them and may not be the most important. So, friends, we will leave the books about sex to others.