Statistics, Setbacks and Self-Esteem

It sure seems like when a guy hits middle age, it all hits the fan — and all at once. You know what they say: 'feelings aren't facts', but it certainly seems that way, doesn't it? At the same time, many people don't count on how statistics conspire together to make you the target of calamities big and small just when you're hitting the age of midlife transition. It may seem like life is kicking you when you're down, but, if it's any consolation to you, it is. No, you're not imagining it. Midlife is the time when everything starts to go wrong, and all at the same time.

We humans are, in one sense, a victim of statistics. The longer we live, the more major catastrophies we avoid, the more less severe setbacks we're likely to encounter. The forces of entropy are very powerful. If you recall, entropy is that force that pushes everything in the universe toward maximum randomness. It's what causes the smell of baking bread to spread throughout the house (as well as that of burning toast). And it's the force that guarantees that, sooner or later, everything will break down and fall apart. Think about your car: the longer it's been since your last repair, the closer you are to your next one.

For years, comedians have been pointing out to us that there seems to be a little timer within every mechanical object that is set to go off within hours of the expiration of the warranty. What is it that we always seem to hear when we call the manufacturer about something that's malfunctioned? "I'm terribly sorry, but that item is out of warranty." And, of course, that's followed by the news that the cost of repairing it will be more than what they'll charge you for the newest model.

No, we humans are not under warranty. However, if we were, it would expire just as we're entering the midlife transition. Those all-important hormone levels are steadily creeping toward the 'zero' point, the effects of menopause and andropause are taking their toll, your relationships are all undergoing reevaluation and restructuring, your career is either topping off or bottoming out, health problems are springing up where there never used to be any, and your perspective on the world (and your place in it) is getting rocked to its foundations. Time's up! Fun's over! It's all downhill from here!

Alright . . . it doesn't have to be that bad. Yet, when people (especially guys) enter into this period of life, not only do things start going wrong in bunches and clusters, but also these experiences tend to challenge your sense of adequacy, self-sufficiency, and, ultimately, self-esteem. Most people never hear that the issues that arise during midlife are normal, natural, and, after all, eventually beneficial (because they usher in a period of deeper self-appreciation), so when these things begin to occur all at once, you may have a tendency to feel overwhelmed and inadequate.

When these things start to happen (as happen they must during the midlife transition), you have the choice of seeing yourself as the innocent target of the universe's cruelty, or of seeing all this as your opportunity to take your inner fortitude to the next level: bucking up and deepening your sense of reliance on Someone greater than yourself. At times, it very well may feel like you can't handle all this all by yourself. That, my friend, is a good thing, because you can't. You can begin to see this as your opportunity to go beyond self-reliance to Other-reliance: reliance not only on your trusted friends and loved ones, but (because even they may let you down from time to time because, after all, they're only human) more specifically, reliance on your Higher Power, however you might define that.

Keep in mind, especially during the midlife transition, the most statistically vulnerable period in your life, that self-esteem is not the same as self-reliance. Self-reliance, at its core, conceals arrogance and a refusal to view yourself within the larger context of humanity and the universe as a whole. Self-esteem relies on a fundamental humility that recognizes your place in the larger scheme of things, as a person with strengths and needs: who can both contribute and accept healthy dependencies. Midlife presents itself as the greatest teacher in your life: the opportunity to discover yourself, not in isolation, but in context. And that, I assure you, is the beginning of a true spirituality and an equally true sense of your own humanity.