The Art of Dealoing with Difficult Children and Becoming Effective Parents

Having three children, three step-children, seven grandchildren, and the added experience of nearly thirty years as a

Family Therapist and Coach for better living, I can tell you that I know a little bit about parenting. Are there difficult

children? You bet!

However, in the majority of cases the greater difficulty lies with parents who need a little extra help and education.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if were all required to get a PhD in childcare before getting pregnant. That will never happen, I'd

venture to say. The next best thing then is to learn a few tricks to make parenting a little easier.

The single most effective parenting skill that I have ever found, bar none, is parental agreement. The safety and

secure container that parents offer their offspring when they are united in this way, is a powerful buffer and nurturing

environment in which children grow and parents thrive.

In this day and age with me men taking a more active role in parenting, that is less likely to happen then ever before.

Women no longer lead the way, thankfully, in being identified as the parental expert. With the good, comes the challenge.

There is more cause for conflict now with two parents and two sets of ideas about what's best for your child.

Yet, if you could change one thing, I would strongly advise that you and your spouse become a team. As a team you have

more power than your child, your child will be less likely to play one of you against the other, and you'll have someone to

brain-storm with when you look for creative disciplinary measures.

After this small miracle, I would next suggest that you learn the Art of Lovingkindness. This is perhaps an even more

stunning miracle. When practiced correctly, it provides the salve for all of the friction that marriage and parenting

presents.

Lest you think you're alredy off the hook, there is one more skill I recommend you adopt. The Disciplinje of

Consequences. This is the basis of all discipline that is effective, and can be likened to the early days of Tough Love.

It's really an 11 step dance.

1. Decide what specific change needs to happen.
2. Spell it out in writing very clearly and succinctly.
3. Make certain it is really just a single change - one at a time please.
4. Be sure that you and your spouse are on the same page.
5. Think of three consequences, where each one is slightly more harsh then the next. This is where creativity is key.
6. Each consequence, especially the first one, ought to be commensurate with the crime.
7. Present the entire package to your child in a formal family meeting.
8. Listen to your child's feedback.
9. Have your child sign a copy of the agreement, and put it up on the bulletin board of fridge.
10. No matter what happens going forward you MUST stick to the agreement.
11. Get ready to reap the rewards of your labor.

This may sound harsh. But I guarantee you that once your child sees that you mean business and that there are

consequences they will take you seriously. Please contact me if you have any further questions.

All the best,
Dr. Rita
www.RitaCanHelp.com