***The holy perfectionist

I woke up the other morning with a painful knot of gridlocked stress around my stomach. Great…that’s what we call a “fog” – a “freakin’ opportunity for growth”. Not so bad, though. It’s just an opportunity to trade out that knot for a gift of divine truth and grace, and that painful tension was the signal to let me know that this opportunity was coming. And it just so happened I had a healing session scheduled with a friend from Minneapolis. Perfect!

It turned out the knot had a lot to do with my fear of success, and under that my fear of rejection and memories of the pain that I’ve experienced from rejection in my past. Painful to live with, but I know that having this come to my consciousness today means that God wants to give me a jewel of truth and healing, and this makes it easy to turn my attention away from the pain and toward the gratitude that I feel for this gift.

In turning to the gratitude, my heart opened and my belly relaxed. Gratitude is a powerful opener. This was exactly what was needed for my being to let go of the pain and the memories and pictures that were holding the pain in place, and for my heart to open to receive the jewel of wisdom and the new knowing that God wants to give to me.

As I was allowing the washing of the past and letting go of the pain, another little voice came in: “But what if I’m asked to be a messenger? I don’t want to be persecuted like Jesus or any of the prophets.” The message came in to my heart, “Keep your eyes and ears and your heart on God. He is the Real; the other is not.” Well that’s simple. Which reality would you choose to live in? The reality of your heart when you are with your Beloved or the reality of the varied critics in the world that don’t even know you?

Then another voice: “But what if God asks me to step into a role and I’m not able to walk the talk? What if I mess up?” I felt the ever-familiar perfectionist that lives in my head; the one that judges my own every move. Then I felt a washing coming through my mind, and a gentle loving voice in my heart, “Be sincere, be humble, be real, and receive mercy for your mistakes. This is the true perfection as God has planned for us.”

So all of the pictures that I’ve held in my mind about what is perfect and what is flawed have a new reality to contend with – the reality of perfection as a walking living work of art; a cycle of living, making mistakes, learning and receiving God’s grace.

I put my head down before my Beloved and ask for guidance and mercy; I ask for a new creation, to let go of my own knowing in exchange for a taste of Your Reality. I give thanks for the reality that You have made for me. I am truly blessed.