The Leopard's Spots

“My husband is left handed and I want him right.” n“My wife has brown eyes and I want them green.”

Outrageous requests, but so is trying to change your spouse’s temperament, the genetic part of our personality. Think introvert, extrovert, or HSP – Highly Sensitive Person. Trying to change this part of your spouse launches a losing battle as silly as changing a leopard’s spots. Rather than change each other, apply the following conversation tips.

Seek to understand his/her temperament. How do they feel about life? Does work overwhelm him? Does she love a busy schedule? Talk to your spouse, and...

Listen as they describe their world following these rules: do not interrupt, criticize, or correct. Allow him/her to share without reservation or fear of reproach. For example, your spouse may not like surprises. Look at this couple.

For their anniversary, a husband surprised his wife with a reservation at a new restaurant. What he intended to be a wonderful evening wore her out through the apprehension of the unfamiliar surroundings. She eventually explained how much she did not like surprises and preferred the familiar. He butted in with, “How silly.” We allowed her to share that she loved him, but a new restaurant is exhausting. They realized their differences and found a compromise. Sincerely seek to understand your spouse’s world views. The husband above learned a formerly hidden truth. Then they took the next step.

He honestly shared his views according to the same rules. He explained how he loved the adventure of a new experience. Once their hearts were on the table, they could…

Compare notes. How do differences affect your marriage? Find the friction points and decide how to smooth them. With the couple above, a new restaurant caused a battle. Now he knows to do a little research so she can feel familiar at a new eatery. They chose a familiar restaurant in a different city. She got the familiar, he got the new experience.

Trade Strong Points. Learn from each other. I am an HSP, Laura is not. I have learned to step out a little more and she has gleaned some of my sensitivities. Trading strong points makes us richer people. You can choose to grow together or apart. Finally...

Share expectations. This can and should take a while, but that’s the fun, sharing expectations over a long period of time. When you know your spouse’s expectations you understand more and disappoint less. He may expect friends for his birthday. She may expect a quiet dinner together followed by a walk for hers. Sharing expectations along the avenues of life knits you as a couple, disappointment fractures.

Trying to change each other damages a marriage; growing together heals it. Growing opens the lock, changing each other rusts it shut. As humans we accept natural change but reject force, let change be organic as you enjoy each other’s world. nn