The Metrics Of People Pleasing

How do you like me now?

People pleasing is one of the greatest epidemics known to mankind. It seems that we will do whatever it takes to please others and make them like us. Another motive for people pleasing is to avoid conflict, confrontation or our own truth and get something in return.

We have been taught from an early age that we should be nice and in order to be nice, we attempt to please as many people as possible at any given moment. And if you are saying to yourself at this moment, that you never try to please people, I am going to assert that you are , in fact, a people-pleaser and are unaware of it. As humans, we are people pleasing machines!

When we are caught in the people pleasing mode, we completely abandon ourselves and our own needs for an outcome that is unstated. This leads to a loss of personal power and ultimately to resentment and anger. When we say yes when we really mean no, we build up a residual resentment against the very people we are trying to please.

Metrics of People Pleasing

People Pleasing can contribute greatly to the toxicity of a work environment. A typical example of this is the employee or mid-manager who martyrs him or herself for the good of their job. Agreeing with your boss at all times cost you plenty and violates the basic metrics of people pleasing. These metrics tell us that on third of people will find a way to like us regardless of what we do, one third will not like us no matter what we do and one third will be indifferent. These metrics can be applied individually as well. So, simply put, your boss will approve of you one third of the time, disapprove one third of the time and be indifferent one third of the time regardless of what you do. I am not saying that you should not do your job because the metrics remain unchanged. How we show up for life and our job is a matter of personal integrity.

Cost of People Pleasing

When we practice people pleasing, this results in a set of unspoken expectations. When the other person fails to meet these expectations, resentment accumulates. Eventually, the resentment is so huge it can be difficult, if not impossible for an individual to see beyond.

When the executive of 20 years looks at her boss and sees only the ways he has disappointed her over the years and the ways that she feel unappreciated, she is caught in the trap of people pleasing. She becomes blinded to the reality that this is the person with whom she has spent a large part of her career working hard to please, perhaps even her partner and friend. She has covered up his vulnerabilities as a fellow human being. She can no longer see another human being, but an object of disappointment.

What began as people pleasing results in a separation from those whose respect we desire most. We have to be true to ourselves within our acts of kindness. We have to understand that saying yes when we mean no is not the road to happiness and well-being. It is the road to loneliness and isolation. it supports our story that we are not acceptable no matter how hard we try.

The Remedy

Standing in one's own power means to be confident and courageous enough to be honest and say what we mean, with all due respect, of course.

We all want to be liked by others, accepted by our boss and peers and appreciated for our efforts, but the truth is that regardless of what we do, these metrics still apply. What is really important is that we love our selves enough to risk the opinions of others. As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, "To thine own self be true," for when we cannot be true even to ourselves, we cannot be true to another.