What I Wish I Could Have Told Pilar and Deion

Pilar and Deion made a big mistake. Yeah, I know that's an obvious statement and you're probably of the opinion that they've made several big mistakes since they decided to divorce. But the mistake I'm talking about probably isn't all that obvious. In fact, many people probably thought it was a good idea because they have kids.

The big mistake they made, that could have prevented many of the problems they've had and forced the networks to report on some other bits of news, is that they decided to continue living in the same house after deciding to divorce.

Granted it would seem that a 29,000 sq foot home would provide plenty of separation for the couple. It didn't. That's because they hadn't counted on divorce anger.

The anger that you can feel during divorce can probably more accurately be called rage. It can cause you to lash out in ways you never would have thought you were capable.

While we're married, we all pick our battles. There are some things that are worth talking about and working out and there are some things that we just choose not to deal with. By not dealing with it we sweep it under the rug.

The thing is, your spouse has been doing the same thing. They've been picking their battles too. They've also swept stuff under the rug.

When you decide to start the divorce process, something switches inside. What switches is that we start experiencing all kinds of emotions. We might progress from denial, to anger, to hope and back again to denial, to anger, to more anger and then maybe some hope. Every time we hit anger, there's a part of us that doesn't feel the need to hold back any longer. After all, we're getting divorced, right? So why not tell them all the stuff we've put up with for YEARS! Heck, we deserve to have our way! Well, this is exactly how things can get out of hand in a heartbeat. Because once one of you starts spewing forth all the stuff that's been swept under the rug, the other will most likely return the favor and it just gets uglier from there.

The root cause of this divorce anger or rage is that each emotion has different hormones associated with it. When our world is significantly changing through the divorce process our emotions can change very rapidly. The rapid changes mean that the hormones are in our systems all at once - which serves up a very potent cocktail for our brains. Our brains aren't used to having this potent hormonal cocktail and we can act, think, and behave in ways we never would have believed before.

So getting back to Pilar and Deion, choosing to live in the same house while beginning the divorce process means that the "reason" for their anger is always near. When their anger strikes, it's very, very easy to race from anger to rage and then the most unbelievable behavior occurs, the public accusations fly and the press makes sure we know all about it.

What do I wish I could have told Pilar and Deion? Once you start your divorce process, please don't try to live in the same home. You and your kids will be much, much happier if you both start to create your independent lives.

What do I want to make sure you learn, from their example? Once you and your spouse have made the decision to divorce, remember that it will be stressful and that it's in your best interest to start creating your independent life with as much respect for each other as possible.

Your Functional Divorce Assignment:

Remember that you're both going through a stressful transition. This is where compassion for everyone involved can go a long way. Being compassionate for yourself, will allow you to take the time and find the resources you need to successfully complete your divorce process. Being compassionate for your former spouse will allow you to negotiate more easily and potentially allow your children to feel free to be themselves instead of being pressure to take sides.