What is Needed to Clear a Withhold

In relationships, resentment can often build and build. An amazing tool that can help reduce the negative feelings is ‘clearing a withhold.’ In clearing a withhold with your partner, family member, parent, child, neighbor or friend, the following elements need to be present:

1. Safety: There needs to be a feeling of safety when engaging in difficult conversations. When something creates a riff, separation or distance between you and a loved One, it's sensitive and vulnerable, and often triggering. Safety makes it easier, more palatable and adds ease where there may be discomfort. The first step, asking your partner whether s/he is available for a conversation, provides a container for connecting and therefore, safety. There are other aspects of safety too, of course, and the following complete the picture.

2. Respect: Without respect for each other, there's little you can do to create deep connection. However, respect can be ruptured in little, subconscious ways. First and foremost, take your partners words and expressions as Truth. You may not agree; it may seem "irrational" to you; you may even find what s/he has said "funny." But to your partner, it's True -- and therefore serious business. Listen beneath the surface to what they are saying. People use words but words only communicate 1/10th of what they are expressing. Get quiet and listen to your beloved. Offer reverence, and therefore respect, for their unique inner journey.

3. Willingness: This is a biggie! Are you willing to participate in a conversation that might be difficult? There 'may' be the reward of loving connection at the end or there may not be! (at least not right away.) You must be willing, or access a part of you that is willing, in order to open your heart to sharing (and listening well) to your partner.

4. Desire: The desire to reconnect, open to deeper love, take risks, be vulnerable -- these all need to be present. We don't clear withholds or have difficult conversations if we do not desire to be closer. Intimacy is about desire first and foremost -- for connection. Tune into your own desire. Notice parts of you that are afraid. How much is okay to truly desire?
Take a moment to consider the 4 aspects above. Are they present in your relationships? Which one feels most challenging to you?

TANTRA TIP: Look over your weekend plans and determine an hour of time that you will be alone (or can be) with your sweetie. Ask him/her to spend that hour just with you. Set your timer for safety and find a designated space in your home to connect. The following are options for how to spend your time although I suggest you all do #1 first.

1. Sit face-to-face, eyes closed and breathe together. Bring your breath up from the earth to the top of your head and back down. Make your breath audible so that your partner can hear you. Breathe in and out together. After 5 minutes, open your eyes and practice with your eyes open for 5 minutes.

2. Have a stone or other sacred object available. Take turns sharing the highlights from your week. This is not a time for conversation back/forth but for each to share and be heard.

3. Offer each other appreciations.

4. Clear withholds if needed (empty your basket of resentment!)

5. Lie down both facing the same direction. The person in the back, puts one hand on her partner's heart and the other on her belly. Breathe together. Connect and love each other.