Can your story save your marriage?

The Way We Were
This month, my parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. On their 40th, my sister and I created a memory book for them. We had sent letters to a large list of friends and family and asked them to send us pictures, stories, old letters and recollections of time with our parents. We painstakingly created an album that my parents still love to read and look through. I can still see their faces as they slowly turned the pages in awe. They couldn’t wait to get back to their own home and relish in the unfolding of long buried memories and faces–many long gone. Somehow that gift was a way of giving them back their shared history. It reminded them of what they valued and the ways in which they had made an impact on other people’s lives.

What was Your Original Myth?
When I work with couples who are struggling through a change in their circumstance or a challenge that is creating tension and pushing them apart- I often start by asking them to tell me the story of how they came together. At first there is a brief silence, or a quick knowing exchange. As they each begin to retell their original myth (often weaving their stories together) there is a palpable softening of the emotional field. You hear it in their tone of voice; you see it in their body language. Often, couples can come up with a metaphor that captures who they were when their relationship was still tenderly being nurtured. (When my husband and I were being coached he was my Prince Charming. All I have to do is recall that image and I am immediately taken back to the utter delight of a handsome guy who saw my potential and believed he wanted to be there as I blossomed into whatever I was to become. - It helps smooth over those moments when I am feeling all too Cinderella-esque between the laundry and the food shopping! ) Sometimes, for couples who may not be destined to celebrate a 50th anniversary, the original myth already contains the elements of their ultimate undoing.

Gifts that Give you Back your Past
So given my appreciation for the power of our myths, I started to look for gifts for my parent’s 50th that would have a comparable impact. I found two you might like to know about: (no mom and dad- this is not what we are getting you!): nn? A documentary video that preserves your family history. This company of filmmakers will take your own photos and home movies, add live interviews, research archival footage and create an impressive biographical video. You can watch examples of their work on their website. n? An oil or charcoal portrait based on any photograph you submit to them. We all have certain photographs that evoke a special moment in our lives. Imagine what it would be like if we could wake up to see that moment captured on a canvas hanging on our wall.

My parents’ gift will remain a secret until we present it to them! However, we chose to take a page out of Gretchen Rubin’s happiness project. Our gift is one that will enable our parents to stop and remember how grateful they are to be married to each other. n