Why I Avoid Anyone Who Owns a Schnitzel Dog

There are many free online girl games, one that is currently the rage has a cat chasing a Chihuahua. People playing the game can be the cat or they can be the dog. There's also a phone rendition of the game that women often play while their children throw knives at each other in the other room, or while they blow through stop signs without even slowing.

That game got me thinking about one of the major pet peeves in life: schnitzel dogs. Everyone has a few warning signs in people. Something that, if they see a person do, or if they see a person with that attribute, makes them instinctively wary and decide that the person isn't all there or isn't wired right. For me it's schnitzel dogs. By that, I mean dogs shaped like a schnitzel.

I was in DC, living with four marines. Let's just say no one picked a fight with us when we went to the bar. Now you would think that a bunch of marines would have a pit bull, or German Shepherd, or Great Dane, or some dog with a least a smidgeon of bad ass in it. Nope. The guy that owned the house had two dachshunds. I was housesitting for a few days while they camped, and couldn't go cause I had to work. The two dachshunds were in heat, the female's vagina had swollen to the point where it looked like a ripe strawberry. The male chaser her around the house for hours on end, but she wouldn't give it up. I would have held her down for him if it would have shut him up.

From that moment on, I hated schnitzel dogs. A few weeks, later, I came home early, and caught the owner of the house and the dachshunds watching footage. It was of an AC-130 Spectre flying gunship killing Iraqi civilians. He was beating off to it.

Over the years, I met many other people who owned tiny dogs, but never someone normal.

You always see their owners bring schnitzel dogs into public places, as if they are some kind of security blanket or something. They'll put close on the mutts, hand knit sweaters, ribbons in their hair, even tacky little hats. They'll talk to them, even carry the dog in their arms like a baby. Couldn't the thing survive in the car for a few minutes? Sure it could. Whether the whacked in the head neurotic dog owner could is a separate question.

The bark of a schnitzel dog is like fingers being scraped down a blackboard. They bark incessantly, and often oscillate like atoms while doing so. One is reminded of royalty that inbred too much.

Even if I meet someone who I think is cool, when I see they own a schnitzel dog, I run. Especially chicks. No matter how sane she seems, if she has a schnitzel dog, she's a psycho. Bank on it.

These days when I see someone frittering away hours on one of those free online girl games in which the cat tries to catch the Chihuahua, I always think of schnitzel dogs. If I was Bill Gates, I'd hire Adam Viniateri to be my person schnitzel neutralizer. To just run up to any schnitzel I saw, and punt it so hard it would end up in low earth orbit.