***Why People Sabotage Their Relationships?

We see a lot of people who consciously are desperately looking for a good relationship. Yet, they are dating or marrying people who are selfish, emotionally unavailable, and even verbally or physically abusive.

In years of treating people who subconsciously sabotage their relationships, I found out that a lot of times it comes from subconscious or even semi-conscious fears.

There is a difference between dating unsuitable partners and actually marrying them. When you are in the dating game, and you have subconscious sabotage, you consciously think you are, indeed, seriously dating with the purpose to get married. Yet, you are actually fooling yourself, as you subconsciously choose to date people who are not “marriage material.” You do it, as it feels unsafe to get married for a variety of reasons:

1. You’ll lose your freedom.
2. You don’t want children.
3. You are afraid you are unlovable, and therefore you’re going to be dumped; so, it would be less painful if you are dumped by someone who you are not very interested in.
4. It is better to be in a relationship with an inadequate partner than not be in a relationship at all.
5. You are not ready for commitment, and you are just in the dating game to get more sexual experience and have fun.

Thus, for example, fear of losing freedom is a big one, especially for people who are older and are set in their own routine. A sub-category of this is the fear of losing control over their finances and their spending habits.

Fear of intimacy is very common, and it is usually stemming from the fear of rejection. There are a lot of people who feel they are unlovable, and therefore they become constant pleasers. They “sacrifice” or ignore their needs and become “givers.” They desperately try to avoid abandonment by attending to every single and imagined need of their partner. Unfortunately, this pattern of behavior is by itself a sabotage. The pleaser is left with the feeling of being unlovable because even if they are loved, they always stay with the feeling that they are only loved because they give so much. They are always afraid that once their partner discovers who they “really are,” they’ll leave.

Also, the constant giving, which is not reciprocated, is causing anger and resentment. This accumulates until it explodes and brings about the end of the relationship.

When it comes to marriage, a lot of people with subconscious sabotage choose an abusive partner or a partner who is emotionally cold or unavailable, usually like one of their parents. This comes from the subconscious feeling that they are not good enough and, therefore, do not deserve to be treated better. Also, it is more familiar to them to be neglected or abused. The other way, i.e., being treated nicely, is the big unknown, and this feels subconsciously unsafe.

The fact people tend to choose a life partner like one of their parents is called “Repetition Compulsion.” Some psychologists believe it has to do with a subconscious need to get the spouse, who is a parent substitute, to become loving and caring in a (futile) attempt to heal the past.

So, the bottom line is that when there is any kind of subconscious sabotage to relationships, the choice of partners would be less than optimal.

The good news is that there is a simple and easy way to find and release the subconscious sabotage.