Are you an argument addict?

Whether we love a good argument or we don’t like arguing at all, this type of low-level conflict is a very important part of our day-to-day learning.

When next you find yourself in an argument, take a step back and take a look at what’s in play for you.

1. There may be an emotional trigger that causes us to jump to our own defence. If so, take a look at the trigger. You’ll often find it has nothing to do with the subject but rather the presentation. ‘You always take my cup’ may have less to do with taking a cup than the sting of ‘you always’!

2. There may be a physical pattern to your arguments. They may happen more frequently when your blood sugar is low (and you feel drained) or when you’re having your period (and your hormones are in flux) and you’re unable to stop yourself. Be aware at these times that your irritation levels are high or your energy is low, and have a strategy in place.

3. It also helps to look for a situational pattern. You may be more likely to argue when you’re late for work in the mornings, or during ‘suicide hour’ in the evenings, when homework must magically be done and supper must magically appear. Again, have a strategy in place, even if it means muttering the words ‘not now darling, let’s talk about it over supper’ so that they come more easily when you need them.

4. Maybe you’re addicted to the excitement and drama of an argument. Crazy as it sounds, argument carries a lot of energy, and can stimulate the release of chemicals that we can get hooked on, much as an adrenaline-junkie gets hooked on doing dangerous things (the drug – adrenaline – is the same). It can also make us feel connected to others in a way that we learnt from our parents in childhood, or in a way that just feels vibrant and real.

5. Often, an argument is a way of taking our frustrations out on those closest to us because we feel safe with them, a way of getting something off your chest that’s meant for someone else. Be aware of this too, and consider the damage that misplaced anger can do.

Or maybe it’s not always emotional, and you enjoy the verbal chess game that an argument provides; bear in mind that others may not feel the same way, and that merely being in an argument can be painful and unpleasant for some.

Arguments challenge us to communicate clearly, to make ourselves heard appropriately, to empathise with others and understand where they’re coming from. It teaches us to accommodate difference in others, and to see traces of their ‘difference’ in us.

Be aware of your own dynamics in an argument, take responsibility for how you are, and start to use these conflictual spaces as a classroom in which to grow.

Remember Monty Python’s ‘Argument Clinic’? Funny as ever! Watch it here … www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnTmBjk-M0c