Are You Dating Someone who is NOT for You? Why Won’t You Find and Develop a Successful Intimate Relationship?

Introduction If you find yourself time and again with a partner who seems to “run away from you”, but nonetheless you hang-on to this “partner”, albeit the pain it causes you, you are not alone. Many behave similarly. Still, it is YOUR life. Therefore, when you get up the courage to understand what drives you to behave the way you do and you work on whatever issues you walk around with, you become able to find and develop a healthy and satisfying intimacy. ** At times it is funny – yet sad – to see how people interpret their partners’ behavior, clinging on to unrealistic expectations and fantasies, unwilling to acknowledge the truth (which they are, after all, aware of!). Dating a partner which is NOT for you! Take Sandy, for example. She dated someone who was quite violent towards her; making plans to spend time together but often needing to “take off”, for one reason or another, several minutes after they meet, (without ever explaining to her why). After exactly the same behavior happened for the third, maybe tenth time during their “relationship” (if you can call it so), she is home, standing in front of the mirror, crying. “Why doesn’t he love me anymore?” She asks herself (or the mirror). “Why? Why?”. “Perhaps he does,” she reassures herself after a minute, “perhaps he does and just can’t show it”. “Perhaps he needs my help”, she goes on, trying to convince herself, but looks sceptical. “Maybe he has been trying to tell me something by his behavior”, she goes on, doubting herself the minute such thought crosses her mind, “maybe he wants us to move in together, and finds it difficult to suggest”. “Maybe he abruptly leaves to see if I’ll run after him, maybe”, she concludes. Self-deceiving thoughts and behaviors are rampant. It is so easy to believe in something we want to believe in rather than admitting the obvious truth. Often such self-deceiving thoughts are prevalent among those who are too needy, have low self-esteem, feel worthless about being alone. They hang on to each and any “hint” by their partner, interpreting it is a sign that they are adored, attracted, loved. But often the truth can’t be further than it. Those denying the truth and ignoring obvious signs of an unhealthy “intimacy” often expose themselves to some form of abuse, to some kind of neglect and rejection. And often they keep hanging on to their partner, hoping, praying, wishing they won’t be left and abandoned. You may know people like that. It might even be that you are one of them. So you know, from their experience or yours, that it is easy to deny the real situation, to reject the possibility that you are not being loved. No, this can’t be the case, you tell yourself. Here, haven’t we had terrific sex? Hasn’t he called me with passionate words? Hasn’t he come knocking on my door in the middle of the night? You use all justifications and examples to convince yourself – and your friends as well – that he does love you; desires you; lusts for you. Otherwise he won’t be with you, would he? After all, he is such a charming person, such a good-looking man, hey! He can have whichever woman in the world that he wants! So if he has chosen you, doesn’t it say that he does love you? Doesn’t it say you are special? Your friends might realize the true situation which you yourself choose to ignore. They might see the warning signs and the abuse. So why don’t you see it? * Because it is easier to hang on to unrealistic expectations and fantasies rather than acknowledging the truth; * Because it is better to feel “loved” and “desired” rather than lonely and alone; * Because “love” is not something that you are willing to give up on so quickly. Where there is aloneness there is hope and neediness. Is there anything you should do to avoid future pain (which quite likely will arrive, sooner or later)? Indeed there is. * It is a matter of getting up the courage to admit your neediness; your fears of being alone; your self-esteem issues; * It is a matter of becoming aware of a host of factors which might have driven you to be so needy – some of which might go back to your childhood and your relationships with your parents: *It is a matter of acknowledging that you need to work on whatever issues you walk around with. When you get up the courage to work on your issues you can free yourself from the factors which drive you to enter relationships which are not for you. It is then that you become empowered to find and develop a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship.