Author, transformational writer, teacher and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis cover all aspects of human transformation; including love, partnership, self-love, self-worth, enmeshment, inner child, t

Even though a man can want to freely express himself and live his own life, he can find that he is unable to do so. Instead, he can have the need to focus on his mother and meet her needs.

As a result of this, he will act more like an extension of her than a separate human being who has his own life to lead. Living in this way is likely to cause him to feel frustrated and angry.

A natural outcome

Along with this, he can often feel helpless and hopeless, which can mean that he will often feel depressed. But, as he is not behaving in a way that serves him, this is to be expected.

Still, what can enter his mind is why he is unable to draw the line with his mother and live his own life. After this, what might enter his mind is that he is weak, lacks courage and needs to man up, for instance.

Another Angle

If he does have this view, or a view that is similar to it, it doesn’t mean that this is the truth. What it can simply show is that he is in a traumatised state, and this is what is largely stopping him from being able to do what is right for him.

Furthermore, he might have been conditioned to go against himself and to put her first. At this point, he might not understand why he would be in a traumatised state or conditioned to ignore himself.

Going Back

To understand why he is this way, it will be necessary to take a closer look at what might have occurred during his formative years. This stage of his life may have been anything but nurturing.

So, practically from the moment he was born, he might have missed out on the attunement and care that he needed. Or, this might have been what took place after a few years had passed.

The outcome

Either way, he would have missed out on the nutrients that he needed to stay connected to his true self and grow and develop in the right way. He would then have had to adapt to his mother and meet some of her needs.

This would have caused him to be greatly deprived and deeply wounded. To handle what happened and keep it together and function, his brain would have repressed a number of his needs and feelings.

Self-Alienation

This would have involved him losing touch with his connected true self and developing a disconnected, deflated and out-directed false self. He would have also hoped that by being who she wanted and doing what she wanted, she would love him.

But, as she was probably unable to love him, as she herself had also been greatly deprived and deeply wounded as a child, it wouldn’t have mattered who he became or what he did. Yet, this hope would have served as a secondary defence that made this stage of his life more bearable.

The Message

And throughout this time, when he did express himself, he was likely to have been disapproved of and punished. For example, he would have probably been ignored or criticised, or he might have been left.

If his father were around, he might have also been critical or threatened to harm him if he ever freely expressed himself. This would have played a part in him believing that his needs and feelings were bad.

Two Parts

Taking this into account, the lack of attunement and care that he received would have stopped him from developing a strong core, in addition to severing his connection to himself. As for the conditioning that he received, this would have caused him to believe that his purpose was to focus on and please his mother.

It is then not a surprise that he won’t feel strong internally or be rooted in his body, and that abandoning himself will feel comfortable. He is then going to be like a leaf that is constantly being blown around by the wind; he will live a reactive as opposed to a proactive life.

Moving Forward

For him to develop a strong core, be rooted in his body and feel comfortable putting himself first, he will have conditioning to question, pain to face and work through, and unmet developmental needs to experience. This will take courage, support, patience and persistence.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for exte
al support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.