Be Aware of Your Projections: They Might Harm Your Intimate Relationships

INTRODUCTION

As long as you project your own traits, emotions and behaviors onto your partner, accusing him/her of owning these, rather than accepting them as part of you, you are harming the relationship. Becoming aware of your projections and taking responsibility for all your traits, emotions and behaviors are vital for your ability to develop and maintain a successful intimacy.

PROJECTIONS HARM RELATIONSHIPS

One way of harming your intimate relationship is by projecting onto your partner traits, emotions and behaviors which you reject as being part of “who you are”. You then accuse your partner of owning them, and blame him/her for ruining the relationship. This happens when aggression, anger, stinginess, jealousy, control and the like show up in the relationship. You don’t accept these as part of you and don’t take responsibility for the arguments and conflicts. Rather, you are certain these “belong” to your partner.

Becoming aware of your projections and taking responsibility for all your traits, emotions and behaviors is vital for your ability to develop and maintain a successful intimacy.

HOW CAN YOU BECOME AWARE OF YOUR PROJECTIONS?

OBSERVATION is the means by which you can become aware of your projections. It means, paying attention to the traits, emotions and behaviors you have denied and repressed as part of you until now. It is then that you can identify your projections.
Observing yourself and paying attention requires that you get up the motivation and the courage to doing so. It is much easier and “safer” to deny and reject traits, emotions and behaviors you prefer NOT to acknowledge and accept as part of you (such as aggression, anger, stinginess, jealousy, control and the like), rather than admit to yourself that you possess them.

When you get up the courage and the motivation and begin to honestly observe yourself, you pay sincere attention to:

• Your thoughts, emotions, reactions and behaviors in your interactions with your partner.

• The way you interpret your partner’s behavior and verbal expressions (“s/he’s trying to control me”; “s/he’s always right”; “s/he’s always angry”). These interpretations may mirror the traits, qualities and emotions that you’ve repressed and denied in yourself.

You can observe your interactions with your present partner, or, if you don’t have a partner at the present time, you can observe, retrospectively, past relationships you have had and reconstruct, in your mind, the interactions you had with past partners.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF WHILE OBSERVING

While observing, you can ask yourself:

• Do you always react towards your partner in the same way?

• Do your partner’s words and deeds always infuriate you?

• Do you always oppose your partner?

These questions can help you clearly see what’s going on. If you answer with a definitive “Yes”, it is likely that you “jump” at your partner’s reactions and behaviors because you see in him/her those traits, qualities and emotions which you deny in yourself.

For example, if through observation you find out that there are situations where you feel controlled and that you react out of proportion, it might mean that YOU are controlling. Your partner’s words and behaviors hit exactly at your soft spot. Or, if you blame your partner for being angry to the point of “making you angry!” ask yourself if it really is so, or maybe you are the one who is angry (and projecting anger onto your partner).

IDENTIFYING YOUR PROJECTIONS

Suppose that you strive to develop a good relationship with your partner and you believe that you could do so by doing the house chores together. But you can’t stand it when your partner tells you how to setup the table; how to sweep the floor; how to wash the dishes. “What are you, my mother?” you snap at your partner angrily, time and again, “I’m a big boy!”

Your attempts at participating in cleaning and straightening up the house usually turn into anger at your partner; you yell, leave everything undone and escape to another room, swearing to yourself that you’ll never try to clean the house together again!

It is only after a friend comments to you that your arguments and conflicts with your partner are similar to the ones you had in previous relationships, that you decide it is time to understand what’s going on with you. You decide that the best is to read books on self-awareness and self-sabotage, to attend some workshops or to seek a short-term counseling.

Through the sessions, you are encouraged to observe and find out:

• What do you feel about your partner’s behavior and comments?

• Did you also feel that way with previous partners?

You might find out that you tend to rebel each time a partner makes a comment or suggests anything, feeling angry and frustrated, and that your rebellious behavior always led to fights, arguments, and eventually to a breakup.

SELF-AWAREENSS ENABLES YOU TO UNDERSTAND YOUR PROJECTIONS AND INTERACTIONS

As you gradually expand your self-awareness, you begin to get a better grasp of the nature of your interactions with your partner. You can discover, for example, that:

• You partner’s behavior and comments actually remind you of your mother. You react to your partner in the same way you did to your mother.

• Each time your partner expresses opinions you feel that your partner is trying to dictate his/her own way and control you.

• You felt the same with previous partners.

• Your partner’s behavior and comments reflect back to you traits that exist in you, which until now you repressed and denied (bossiness; self-righteousness; know-it-all attitude). Because you refused to accept these traits in yourself, you projected them onto your partner.
Acknowledging and understanding your behavior enable you to become aware that your reactions towards your partner (as well as towards previous partners) stems from your own unconscious need for control as well as from fighting back “your mother”. Because you had repressed and denied this need, you tended to interpret your partner’s comments, opinions and suggestions as attempts to control you.

SELF-AWARENESS ENABLES YOU TO CHANGE AND ENSURE A SATISFYING RELATIONSHIP

It may not be easy for you to accept what you discover. At first you might even reject it. No one likes to admit of having weaknesses, limitations, “soft-points”, “negative” characteristics and the like. But when you are honest with yourself and get up the courage to acknowledge and accept what you found out, you can then:

• Stop projecting you own traits, emotions and behaviors onto your partner;

• Stop accusing and blaming your partner of causing conflicts, arguments and problems within the relationship;

• Take responsibility for your part in the conflicts; and

• Become able to interact with your partner in ways leading to a successful intimacy.

When you free yourself from projecting, the energy that you have previously invested in conflicts can be channelled to successfully develop an intimate and healthy relationship.