Be Aware: Self-Sacrifice, Neediness and “Being there” for Your Partner Might Harm Your Relationships

If you are single looking for a partner and your friends ask: “Do you want a relationship?” you certainly answer affirmatively. But often, once you have one, something odd happens: you give up and ignore your own will. You tell yourself: “I have a relationship - and that’s what matters! Do you think that nothing in life is more important than a relationship? Jane’s story Jane has convinced herself that once she'll have a relationship her entire life will change for the better. She’s so ready for it. She knows that her partner will be happy with her. She’ll make him happy. She’ll give her whole self to him. Nothing in life is more important to her than a relationship. Even though she has a good job and devoted friends and parents who care for her, what’s any of that worth if she doesn’t have a relationship? Do you tend to lose yourself for the sake of the relationship? If you, like Jane, want a relationship so much, you might turn this desire into the central theme of your life. You tell yourself: * “If only I had a relationship, everything would be fine”; * “All the suffering that I’m going through will disappear when I'll have a relationship”; * “Once I have a relationship, I’ll never need anything else. The most important for me is to be with someone”. Then, when you meet someone, you give up the particular dreams, hobbies and interests that make you “who you are” and ignore your own will in order to ensure that your relationship lasts. When you think that in order to have a partner you need to give up your own will, you don’t understand that every time you do that, you’re distancing yourself from the intimate, genuine and deep relationship you so much desire. How did you lose touch with your will, with what is really important to you in a relationship? In order for you to get love, approval and esteem you might have learned, unconsciously, from an early age, to satisfy others; do what they want you to do. You hide your own will and desires, preferring not to get into conflicts and not taking the risk that they'll withhold their love or abandon you. Consequently, you become dependent on other’ love, and behave in ways you think will give you the love you want. Over the course of many years, when you become used to not doing what you want, but rather what you think others want, slowly but surely, without being aware, you become used to live without a will of your own: you behave out of self-sacrifice, fears, and dependency on others’ will. Then, when you get into relationships, you continue to behave in the same way with your partners. That seems to be good for you since you then are in full “agreement” with them. Do you self-sacrifice in order to not “rock the boat” with your partner? Susan’s story The most important for Susan is that Barry tells her that he loves her; that she’s sweet; that she’s special; that he’ll never be angry with her; that everything between them will be okay. When they watch television, they watch the programs that he likes. When they go to sleep, she doesn’t read or watch TV, even if she isn’t sleepy, just so that he’ll be able to fall asleep in the dark, with her next to him, the way he likes. The desire to have a relationship drives Susan to behave the way she does. For that purpose, she sacrifices her own will as well as other needs she has, just so that she won’t rock the boat with Barry. If you sacrifice your own will for the sake of a relationship… If you, like Susan, sacrifice your own will for the sake of your relationship, sooner or later your relationship will fail, either at the instigation of your partner (who will begin to disrespect you) or due to your anger, frustration and the feeling that “you had enough”! In order for you to (finally) be able to find a partner with whom to develop a healthy and successful relationship, you first need to conquer your neediness and bottomless need for love. This you can do by getting up the courage to once-and-for-all take an honest look at yourself, acknowledge that you might have been driven by your needs (rather than by “loving and caring so much”). When you find the balance between being true to yourself and assertive about your own needs and caring for your partner, you can then develop a healthy and satisfying relationship based on mutual give & take.