Cancel All Holidays!

All holidays cause some insidious angst and distress in the hearts and lives of many people so I'm calling for their abolition.

I'm not the first person to notice the evil of holidays. Several years ago some private school in New York decided to exclude the celebration for Mother's Day because some of the students didn't have mothers.

Madonna, Ellen DeGeneres and most of the not-very-feminine women of the feminist movement have already declared fatherhood a meaningless institution of antiquity so cancel Father's Day.

Speaking of parents, what's the deal with Earth Day? Here they want us to venerate Mother Earth. But why MOTHER Earth? Why not FATHER Earth? Or CHILD Earth?

And what about pets? My cat tells me it's high time we get rid of Ground Hog Day. After all, ground hogs are nothing but mangy rodents and we have millions of loving house pets that have no holiday whatsoever.

We must also cancel New Year's Day because some religions use a different calendar and we don't want to hurt their tender feelings.

Martin Luther King Day must be cancelled because it is wrong to offend the gentle sensibilities of the members of the Klu Klux Klan.

The third Monday of February brings us to President's Day. Since most people have never been president why do we have a holiday that honors so few people?

St. Patrick's Day is another holiday well worth dropping. What did St. Patrick ever do for Cuban-Americans, Italian immigrants, or Southern Baptists?

No problem with Easter because that entire season was revoked by public schools a long time ago. Educators and their friends in the ACLU concluded that celebrating the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus was so dangerous to students' mental health that they had to cease all mention of the event.

Memorial Day must be eliminated because of the many people who can't remember anything.

Flag Day and Independence Day must also be burned from the calendar because it makes us too patriotic and some people in Europe don't like that.

I don't need to mention much about Columbus Day because it is already under fire for the horrible things Columbus and his gang of interlopers did to the Indians, which of course pale in comparison to what the Bureau of Indian Affairs has done to them for the last 185 years.

We will probably have to hold on to Veterans Day for only a few more years. By then all the war-mongering veterans of World War 2 will be dead. Thanksgiving Day might as well be gone. Without any recognition of God to whom do you give thanks?

We cannot change the Christmas holiday season however because we want the weekend off and the retailers need the business. Because a few Muslims and atheists cannot abide the word "Christ" in any holiday it must be changed to Winter Holiday.

There is one other holiday I think should be preserved. It's the day we set aside every year to recognize atheists and all the great contributions to society that they have made – April 1. April Fool's Day.