Christian Relationship Help: Healthy and Unhealthy Triangulation in Dysfunctional Families

Triangulation in dysfunctional families can be healthy and unhealthy. There are many ways you can "triangulate" which simply means to get involved in a relationship between two people in an attempt to fix it. Dysfunctional family dynamics give you many opportunities to get involved some of which are okay and some not okay. Triangulation isn't healthy if:

• It prevents two people from talking directly.
• It enables a person to continue doing something wrong because of your intervention.
• It increases the drama and intensity of the entire family system by escalating the conflict.
• It is a pattern that you find yourself driven to do repeatedly.
• It is affecting your own spiritual, emotional, or mental serenity.
• You aren't asked to intervene and do it anyway.

Triangulation is healthy if:

• You truly need to stand up for a person who is unable to stand up for himself/herself = a true victim. The problem is defining who is a victim. Children can't stand up for themselves but if they are dealing with a difficult parent who is not abusive, the child will benefit from learning how to deal with a difficult person.
• You are asked to mediate and both people are open to your help.
• It doesn't hurt you.
• You can choose when and where to do it for the right reasons.

One of the things you have to learn is how to let go of feeling compelled to fix the people in your life. Dysfunctional people do dysfunctional things. If you feel responsible for their relationships, you will find yourself drawn into many conflicts that are really none of your business. Proverbs 26:17 says, "Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own." What will happen? He will get bit. Instead, try minding your own business when it isn't appropriate for you to get involved.