CONTROLLING OUR IRRATIONAL IDEAS

How and what we think about has a profound effect on our physical and emotional health. Almost every minute of our waking life we are engaged in self-talk, an internal dialogue through which we describe and interpret our world to ourselves.
This dialogue can be a litany of self-doubt and self-criticism, such as “I know I’ll say the wrong thing,” “People will think I’m stupid,” “I think I’m going to fall apart,” or, it can be positive messages such as “Things will work out,” “Whatever happens I can handle it,” and “I’m competent to cope with life.”
Negative ideas may be based on a total misperception, such as “I know this person probably won’t like me” or based on overly-perfectionistic standards which involve our ”shoulds,” “oughts” and “musts,” such as: “I shouldn’t say anything because I don't know enough about this."
Irrational thinking also involves the assumption that things are done to us: “She makes me angry...Being lied to by him makes me see red...The boss makes me nervous. People talking like that depresses me,” etc.
These things are not actually done to us, we create the feelings ourselves through our interpretation of events. Your own thoughts, directed and controlled by you, are what create anxiety, anger, guilt, depression, and feelings of worthlessness. If your self-talk is irrational and unrealistic, you will create unpleasant emotions for yourself.
Dr. David Burns, author of “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy,” has identified six very common areas of irrational self -talk, which he calls “Cognitive Distortions.” See if you can identify any of these that you use.

PERSONALIZING
This is the tendency to think everything revolves around how we behave or look, and not take into account what might be going on with the other person. “I knew when people at the meeting began talking about diets that it was really meant for me.” “I didn’t get the job because they didn’t like my personality.” “She didn’t return my phone call because she really doesn’t like me,” etc.
People who use this form of distortion often blame themselves for events and are burdened by feelings of guilt. We need to recognize that most people are far too busy worrying about their own performance to be conce
ed about ours.

EITHER/OR THINKING
“Either I succeed at my relationship, or my life is ruined.” “Either I get this job or I’ll never be a success in life.” In this style life is divided into black and white categories; if your performance falls short of perfect, or if you can’t accomplish what you want, you see yourself as a total failure.

IGNORING THE POSITIVE
In this style a person picks out a single negative detail and dwells on it exclusively so that his or her vision of reality becomes darkened. “I got a good evaluation from my boss on every item but one, so I really didn’t do a satisfactory job.” "The dinner party didn't go very well because I forgot to put out the rolls.” “I could have gotten all A’s instead I got a B in chemistry.” This type of person tends to remember and amplify only the negative events.

MAGNIFYING or CATASTROPHIZING
People who use this style frequently blow things out of proportion. For example: “I’m repulsive because I’m overweight,” “I’m stupid because I don’t have a college degree.” “I know that being late for that appointment means I won’t ever be elected to the Board.” “When Richard said he didn’t like my hairstyle I knew he really meant I wasn’t attractive to him.”

JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
“He hasn’t called me, so I must have done something wrong.” “Doris didn’t say good morning to me today when she went by my desk, and I know that must mean she doesn’t like me.” The person who uses this style needs to make frequent reality checks.

MIND READING
In this style we are always guessing what certain behavior means and often practicing “Fortune Telling.” Most of the time the guesses are negative. For example: “The boss didn’t say anything about my report so she probably didn’t like it.” “Maureen didn’t phone me last night and I know that means she’s losing interest in me and may break off the relationship.”

FREEING YOURSELF FROM IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS
The way to free ourselves from these irrational traps lies first in identifying and labeling our cognitive distortions for what they are. We need to develop the self–awareness to notice how we are hurting ourselves emotionally with our distorted thinking. Secondly, we need to practice counteracting these negative thoughts with positive, rational responses.
For example, thoughts like: “I never do anything right.” The cognitive distortion here is OVER-GENERALIZING. The rational response is: “Nonsense! I do a lot of things right. Remember how I ....”
If we think something like: “She didn’t call me back because she didn’t like me,” which involves JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS, a counter-response might be: “She didn’t call because she’s just too busy with her own life right now, or: ”She didn't call because I'm just not her type."
Thirdly, whenever possible, take some action on your thoughts, check them out, which is a way of reality testing to see if they are true, rather than just assuming “it must be true because I feel it.”