DATING & MATING: A New Paradigm

A lot of people find themselves stuck in limiting 'old school' beliefs about love and relationships, perhaps with the nagging feeling 'is that all there is?' Many of us are seeking a new paradigm for our closest relationships as we shift into a new way of thinking and being. Old-School Love The notion of 'romantic love' was invented during the troubadour period (1100-1350). The troubadours spread the notion of chivalry and courtly love through songs and stories taken from court to court, detailing the dramatic lengths and suffering lovers would go through to be together. You + Me = We These tales had all the juiciness of the 'forbidden fruit' and since the love interest was out of reach most of the time, it was easy to project all your fantasies onto the potential lover. Interestingly, this tradition of romantic love is carried on through our modern entertainment as well - love stories, romances and romantic comedies are all about the things keeping the lovers apart and the story ends as soon as they get together. Perhaps because it seems so hard to 'find the right one' and actually get together, once found, the love looks like a hard-won possession that must be held at all costs, (and she or he better be worth all the trouble!) (Limiting) beliefs or expectations about romantic love: • "You complete me." • "I'm nothing without you." • "You must enchant me, and if the enchantment wears off, it’s your fault." • "You have to fulfill my needs, and if not, I won't love you anymore."(Or:) "It means you don't love me." • "If you (insert all that apply: won't change, are disloyal, fail or refuse to do whatever I ask), it means you don't love me." • "I have to know where you are and what you are doing at all times." • "If you do something I don't approve of, it's over." Loyalty is highly prized among lovers and is often confused with unconditional love. What we call loyalty is often an excuse for making unreasonable demands. “If you love me, you’ll do as I say”. Much of the frustration and pain of modern relationship comes from still seeing ourselves as one half of a whole. We feel incomplete on our own. We only feel whole with another person reflecting love and approval at us, so we are very invested in keeping control of the source of this love. A New Paradigm For Modern Lovers For a more satisfying and fulfilling relationship, we need a new paradigm - a whole new perspective and way of thinking about our relationships with ourselves and others, especially our most intimate others. You + Me + We Unconditional love is something quite different from loyalty. It means I love and appreciate you for who you are, regardless of what I get from you. It takes understanding that we are all on our own path and our own journey at our own pace. It requires that we respect one another’s free will, rather than insisting that ‘you must bend to my will to prove your love.’ There is naturally a power struggle phase in every relationship - it is getting to know the other person, their boundaries, their blind spots, our own fears. We test each other and see ourselves mirrored back (yikes!) Unfortunately, many relationships never get out of this power struggle phase. This is what gets so exhausting and eats away at the attraction that brought the couple together in the first place. However, if we are willing to approach our dates and relationships as complete individuals, with a potential relationship as a separate thing we both want to be part of, we can find ways to work through our differences. If we are willing to be changed and to allow the other to change, we will help each other grow along the way. With this attitude, we are growing and changing together, we can get through this phase with a healthy sense of respect - both for self and the other. Rather than one half of a whole, feeling incomplete without the other half, what about seeing ourselves as unique wholes seeking to share our gift of love and companionship with another, even if it turns out to be for a limited time? What about seeking a partner who is not only attractive to you, but who also shares a compatible vision and mission for their life? This will help you get past the power struggle phase so you can become a team supporting each other on your unique life jou eys.