Dear Dr. Romance: How can I help her to turn around?

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have read your article "Fair Fight Guidlines" and it is impressive. I like to ask your advise for the following situation:

I have married for 20 years and three beautifull children. My wife whom I love the most, uses power struggle tactics: guilt and obligation, threats and emotional blackmail, courtroom logic: peacekeeping, sacrificing, or hammering. Even we go out for a date alone, still same problem, she will bring any thing based on assumption or false, and will ruin the evening.

Lately, she has been putting down my family, mother and sister, brothers. Also, she is turning my own kids against me. I am sole provider for the family and pay all the bills, including her car. She works as teacher and do not contribute any thing. I never ask what she does with her money, it will cause more problems.

I have tried every thing but failed. How can I help her to turn around?

Dear Reader:

I don't know your wife, but I know that most people who are so negative are also afraid. It sounds like you need to stand up and be more solid and sure of yourself, so she can trust that you will take care of things and she doesn't have to be so hyper-vigilant.

You won't be able to change her -- you have to work by changing yourself to give her something different to respond to. I highly recommend that you get couples counseling, allow the counselor to see you interact, and a good counselor will see that your wife is anxious and critical, and help her change -- but a good counselor will also see what you're doing to contribute to the problem,
and help you to change, too. "Stop Reacting and Start Relating" can help you break some of the ingrained communication patterns you've developed. Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences can help you understand each other better.

For low-cost counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com