Dear Dr. Romance: My wife has no sexual fantasies

Dear Dr. Romance:

I have been married to my wife for 19 years and I have ask her to tell me her fantasies for along time, she says she has none, Is this possible? She always wants oral sex buts never gives any back, Do you have anything I could try to open her up to new things?

Dear Reader:

Many women don't have fantasies about sex. Some women have fantasies about affection and romance, but don't consider them sex fantasies. If fantasies turn you on, why don't you get some books or magazines which contain sexy stories, like Little Birds by Anais Nin, or My Secret Garden: Women's Sexual Fantasies by Nancy Friday, and read them aloud to each other? If she reads romantic books, instead of asking her about her fantasies, ask her to read passages in a book that she thinks are romantic.

Some women really enjoy giving oral sex, others don't. Women with a sensitive gag-reflex may truly have difficulty. Couples need to experiment: she can lick, wrap her hand around the base of the penis to make sure it doesn't go too far into her mouth, etc. But the most important thing is that she feel appreciated rather than pressured. Also, it usually feels more equal if oral sex is a trade off, with both partners giving and receiving.

If you read her some stories about couples having the kind of sex you want, or read out of a book like The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort, it could be an education as well as a turn-on. Also, try some of the less graphic erotic movies. If your wife is somewhat sheltered, and has not seen porn, don't begin with the heavy stuff. Go to your local video shop, and ask the clerk for some advice on which movies would be sexy, but not too graphic. Or find some online erotica that works. If your wife enjoys watching those with you, (and if you flatter her and tell her it makes you love her more to do that with her, she probably will) then you can get gradually sexier movies. Help her see that it's a compliment to her that you want to be more sexual with her.

This must be done rather slowly, which may be difficult if you're feeling deprived and frustrated. But, if you go too fast, and turn her off, then you're not going to get what you want. Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things that Can Ruin Your Marriage will help you work out your sexual agreements.

For low-cost phone counseling, email me at tina@tinatessina.com