Decreasing Sibling Rivalry

When talking about relationships and families, dynamics are complex. Why? Because especially the closest we are the more we expect and therefore, the more disappointed we can be. For example, one of the biggest dreams every parent has is that their children get alone. It sounds simple and easy but many times it is not the case. Sibling rivalry has existed as long as families. Think about it. Siblings don’t choose each other and they have to share the people that they want the most: parents. So even though there are many factor parents cannot control, parental attitude counts for a lot. Here some tips for you to keep in mind when handling the relationship with your children:

• Help children name and accept their conflicting feelings about a brother/sister. Parenting gurus Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their books Siblings Without Rivalry and How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk highlight that “What isn’t expressed outwardly just goes into the subconscious”. Parents can teach to their children by helping them to acknowledge and name the full range of emotions even when it is directed to somebody we love. It is ok and actually normal to be mad or angry with a loved one from time to time.

• Do not compare your children. Remember that each person is unique and everybody has their own talents and strengths. If you like a child’s traits more than the other’s, don’t feel bad. That is human too but it would be better if you reconcile with them and work on seeing the beauty of the parts you don’t easily identify with.

• Do not take sides but do what is right. If in certain cases one person is at fault, take the appropriate measures. A lot of the resentment between siblings comes from where parents decided that because both were involved in the fight, both were guilty. Take some time and find out the causes and what really happened giving turns for each person to explain their perspective. Act accordingly.

• Try to spend as much quality time with each of your children. If you can make each child feel valuable, important, and unique you can win half the battle.

• Encourage respect and assertive communications skills in the family. It means among all levels: between parents, parents and children, and among children themselves. Do not allow one sibling to put down or criticize the other.

• Ignore gossips. If one sibling comes and tell you information about the other (even when is true and useful information), try to not react right away and encourage the behavior. That child would think that it is a way of gaining your love and can jeopardize the relationship with the sibling. Get the information, hang in there and talk to the child later, not in front of the sibling that provided the information, asking for facts so you can get to your own conclusions.