Disarming Defensive Behavior
Written by Laurie Weiss
Some people need to be right whether they are or not.
No matter what you say to them about a problem, they can explain...
Why they couldn't help making a mistake...
Why they are not to blame because they meant well...
Why it's your fault that they made the mistake....
They're so defensive, it's a real challenge to get them toaddress any problem.
David, an engineer who leads a team of prickly Ph.D.nresearchers, sidesteps this defensiveness, and you can too.
He has developed a strategy of asking penetrating questions that almost force people to think through situations in depth. Then he listens very carefully to their responses.
David explained: "I ask questions in order to get very clear about what is happening." These are questions about details.Questions like:
"What happened first?"
"Then what happened?"
"How did you recognize that there was a problem?"
David wants to make it safe for the people he works with to tell the truth. He never blames anyone else for a problem or a miscommunication. If there is any blame, he assumes it himself by the way he asks his questions.
He demonstrates taking responsibility for learning bynmodeling that responsibility for others. He is likely to preface a question with a disarming statement such asn"I'm really confused here."
"I'm sorry, would you mind going over that again?"
"I must have heard this wrong before."
"I must have really screwed up."
David reports that whenever he offers to assume blame for a problem, others are quick to argue that they are responsible for the problem themselves.
Use some of David's techniques next time you must solve a problem with someone who always insists on being right.
Excerpted from Lesson 16 of "The Integrity Course,"
Copyright 2005 Laurie Weiss, Ph.D.
Article author
About the Author
Learn more in "The Integrity Course," an online, multimedia course to help you say what you think without getting fired or losing your friends. http://www.TheIntegrityCourse.com Laurie Weiss, Ph.D. is an internationally-known executive coachnand author. mail:feedback@laurieweiss.com
Further reading
Further Reading
Article
A Look at Avoidant Attachment Styles and How They Work
The early development of avoidant attachment creates a coping mechanism that forms in childhood. Disconnected parent-child interactions typically trigger this condition. People who develop this attachment style learn to depend on their resources. They avoid deep emotional connections. People with this attachment style want intimacy, yet they remain afraid of becoming dependent on others. Understanding Avoidant Attachment Among the four primary attachment styles, avoidant atta
February 6, 2025
Article
Do You Really Understand The Swinger Life-Style?
So, you want to Play swinging? Do you like the idea of having sex with several attractive people, with no strings attached? Want the chance to explore your fantasies with like-minded people? Love having the intimacy and long-term commitment of your partner, but don't want to miss out on the opportunity for sexual exploration and variety? If this sounds like something you'd like to try, the increasingly popular lifestyle known as 'swinging' could be for you. What's so shocking
August 29, 2024
Article
The Advantages of a Web-Based Swinger Dating Service
Web-based swapping dating services can help you find a long-term swap relationship in the comfort of your home. These types of services can provide singles with information about like-minded people and help them get in touch with other couples. To use dating expertise, you need to register together. When registering to use the service, you need to provide more information as well as your contact information and interests. Maintaining your information conveniently will help yo
August 29, 2024
Article
Dr. Venus Nicolino: You Have To Make Yourself Available To Find Good Relationships
The idea of making yourself more desirable by making yourself less available doesn't make a lot of sense when you think about it. After all, Juliet would have plunged a premature dagger into the heart of her romance with Romeo if she hid in her room rather than go out on her balcony. The end of Sleepless in Seattle shifts from "awww" to "aw, no" if one of the two main characters skips the trip to the Empire State Building. As these examples from fiction show, making yourself
August 16, 2024