Do You Choose Your Partner(s) or They Choose You? This Can Make a Big Difference in Your Relationship’s Success

Although it might NOT be apparent, there is a big difference whether you go out with someone YOU have decided to go out with or with someone who has chosen you. The first usually happens when you are empowered to be yourself and feel safe with being alone. The second often occurs when you have a low self-esteem; are desperate to have a relationship and willing to go out with whoever shows interest in you.

Whether you choose your date or being chosen often makes a huge difference about the quality and “well-being” of the relationship which will develop. Choosing someone to develop a relationship with usually indicates your strength: You are selective; you judge and contemplate whether the two of you can click in terms of personality, age, profession, education and the like. You also count on your intuition and inner-voice: is this person someone with whom you can develop something meaningful?

On the other hand, if your tendency is to develop a relationship with whoever shows interest in you – and this has become a pattern of yours – it often indicates neediness, low self-esteem and fear of being alone. All these drive you to being willing to go out almost indiscriminately with whoever approaches you. You feel elated and flattered: someone wants you! And you begin already to fantasize how it’ll be to have a new partner and what the future may hold for the two of you.

I’ve seen many singles that fit this description. If you are one of them you are likely to justify your “falling in love” by saying that “this person who asks me out is really wonderful”; or “I know we two have something special going on”; “it isn’t for nothing that we’ve met”, and so on and so forth, ignoring the fact that you’ve felt exactly the same about all previous partners you have had.

But the truth is: if you use such justifications – or similar ones – over and over again, always are willing to jump in with whoever asks you out, finding yourself unsatisfied in the relationship which evolves and eventually alone once again, it can mean only one thing: your eage
ess, neediness and desperation to have a partner hurt and sabotage you.

In all likelihood you avoid thinking this way about yourself. You deny that this is what happens even if it has become a pattern with all your relationships. You prefer to justify the failure of the relationships by saying that “I had too much to give and my partner didn’t know how to reciprocate”; or “My partner wasn’t really available for a relationship”; and “It became clear that my partner didn’t want to commit”, and so on.

It is often easier to justify the failure of your relationships by stating such justifications rather than by honestly observing your relationships’ patterns and acknowledge the fact that something in you, something in the way you let others choose you rather than your choosing them, sabotages your attempts at relationships.

As long as you will not be willing to be honest with yourself, get down to the root of what makes you jump into a relationship with whoever shows interest in you, it is likely that you will continue failing in your relationships over and over again.

The courage to look inwards and be honest with yourself is a key to resolving whatever issues stand in your way from developing a satisfying, healthy and successful intimacy.