Do You Compare (and Kick) Yourself?

Recently, a client called me all upset, crying and out of breath in panic and desperation. She wanted to be ‘as good as Ms X, and have a website as beautiful and functional with products that are as great.’ She wanted me to coach her, but her mind said, “I can’t do it! I don’t have the knowledge or expertise, my website can’t compare, I’m not as good as Ms X is, I don’t have the money, I’m afraid I’ll pay and pay and not get anywhere….” I’m going to write here as if I were talking right to her, because this is so common that I bet you go through it sometimes, too. Ready? Here goes: Whoa! Slow down here! The first problem is that you got so hung up in comparing and thinking you weren’t ‘as good as’ that you forgot! You forgot to notice that it’s just energy! You’re using it to compare yourself to someone you admire, and ending up feeling bad about yourself. No blame, you just forgot! So, let’s turn that around now. When you compare, you end up collapsing in upon yourself and focusing only on your default negative beliefs about yourself. Then those beliefs spiral you down deeper and deeper, until it seems like nothing will ever work again. You are forgetting two more essential components: 1. As you compare yourself to her, are you asking what you’d prefer in your own life or business instead of what you’re doing now, and then acknowledging that you can actually do that? No! You are continuing to collapse into despair and self-hatred and believing that you ‘can’t do it’! 2. Are you asking yourself what your next steps would be in getting to that preference? No! You can’t even begin to ask because you’re so deeply centered in thinking there’s something wrong with you! LET’S TURN IT AROUND So come on out for a second and describe the feeling(s) you’re having to me. It can be a hollow feeling in your chest or belly, a sharp pain in your heart, a constriction in your throat, sweaty palms, a heat-flush over the whole front of the body…. There are so many bodily-felt sensations I could fill a book with them alone. It’s up to you to notice what you’re feeling–literally–in your body, and describe it to yourself in graphic terms, the more detailed the better. Your feelings aren’t ‘bad!’ You need to stop looking at them as if they are your enemies. Instead of saying ‘I want to eliminate my anger,’ ask, ‘what is this anger–this intense energy running through me–telling me that I need to look at and change inside of myself?’ Your feelings are your sensory radar that let you know that there is energy to be reclaimed in your system. That’s all they are–messages. Not always symptoms of illness, not ‘bad,’ not ‘to be gotten rid of,’ not unresolvable. COMPARISON Comparison is a confidence-killer habit–and it’s something we all do on a regular basis! It’s OK to do if you can maintain an unattached viewpoint. But most of us were never taught how to do that, so we fall into self-recrimination, anger and despair instead of curiousoity and creativity. Here’s how to handle it: first, go ahead and notice everything about that person (or thing, activity or whatever it is) that you like, admire and would like to copy, emulate or do in your own way. Second, now look for the things about it or them that you do NOT like, and would do differently if it were up to you to decide (which, of course, it is!). FEELINGS Third, now notice what feelings are stirring within yourself. Anger? Jealousy? Sadness? Grief or loneliness? Desperation, fear, confusion, or helplessness? Handle your feelings, transform the energy and get a move on! How do you do that? Name your feelings. Heart-stab, belly-ache, hollow chest, twinge under the scapula….like that. If you cannot name your feelings, that’s OK. Just focus on the actual sensations in your body, like I described in paragraph four above. If you feel completely numb and cannot recognize any bodily-felt sensations, acknowledge that, too. Let’s play with this a little. Let’s say you were looking at someone’s beautiful website. You admire the colors, the way the site is put together and designed to be simple and navigable. The elements on each page are just right; the products are cohesive and well-priced, and the copy is written in an attractive way you really like. You also notice the person has a great system that is simple yet deep, and really does do what it says it does: helps people feel good and understand themselves and get along better in life. Now ask yourself this: if I were as talented, gifted and skilled as that person, what would I be doing? Ahhhh–did your belief system just kick you in the butt and said ‘you’re not’? Did it say, ‘yeah right!’ Or, ‘that’ll be the day!’ Fill in the blanks below 5 phrases you thought or heard: ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ Write down what your body is feeling: (sharp pain in my heart, hollow feeling in my belly, tight throat, pain in my mid-back….) ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ Rate the pain or feeling: if zero was none, and ten the most painful or intense, what would you rate the feelings you have? sharp pain in my heart ___ 9 ____rnhollow feeling in my belly ___ 10 ____rntight throat _______ 5 _______rnpain in my mid-back ____ 9 _____ Now do yours: _______________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ ___________________________ TRANSFORM THE ENERGY Now tap on it! Start with the physical. As you tap on your karate chop point, say this: Even though: I have this sharp pain in my heart it feels like someone’s stabbing mer I want to lie down and give up, andr I feel so helpless and powerless… I still want to love and accept myself. Now I want you to exaggerate the negative so you can have a little fun at this. Instead of only saying you feel powerless, really stretch it (and see if you can get to a place where you can laugh): Even though: I feel so powerlessr I feel helpless like a newbo kittenr I feel like a flat puddle like a slimeball just out of the tubes like a limp rag or wet seaweed…. I really do love myself. And now really rebel and say this: Even though: I don’t love and accept myself– I don’t even want to! You can’t make me! I won’t do it! You never loved or accepted me when I was littler Why should I? If I do I’ll lose outr I’ll never ever be accepted it’s impossibler I won’t do it! I’m gonna be a rebel until I die! I don’t believe any of this works! Fooey on you! But I still love and respect myself profoundly, every little part of me. Now tap on each point on the face and torso, using the same phrases you used above to express yourself. Tap and then re-rate your feelings. If you're not familiar with the tapping piints, go to http://EFTinEveryHome.com/04-goodies/tap-charts-pts.html to see them. OPPOSITES Why do you say those (sometimes scary-sounding) opposites? Because some hidden, irrational part of you actually is thinking those things! It needs to be expressed – ex = outside of, -press = push. So you need to push those thoughts and energies outside of yourself so you can see and heal them. If there is no part of you thinking those things, you won’t think of them to say! When you express and acknowledge them without judgement, they can give a big sigh and allow themselves to be reformed into clean, creative energy. Sometimes you’ll feel a big sigh or a yawn or a tingle in your back or leg–that’s the energy resettling itself properly. Those ‘negative’ thoughts are not even always your own thoughts. They can be thoughts handed down in your family, thoughts that someone else pushed on you–maybe you picked them up from a teacher, peer or parent, or even from the radio, tv or internet. Once you pick up thoughts–especially thoughts that are repeated regularly, like ‘money doesn’t grow on trees,’ or ‘you’ll never get it right,’ they become ingrained and you start thinking they are your own thoughts. NOT! NUMB? If you feel numb, and maybe even no particular thoughts emerge for you, tap on the karate chop point again and say: Even though: I feel so numbr I’m still OKrnand I choose to be able to identify my limiting thoughts and beliefs right now, or soon. Even though: I have kept myself numb in order to stay safer I’m going to try this tapping thing in order to heal the limiting beliefs in my system so I can create a better life. Even though: this numbness feels like a blanket over my head (see how the actually energy is revealing itself now?), and I feel like I’m being crushed by itr I’m afraid of itrnbecause I know it will totally crush mer I still am going to love and accept myself fully anyway. Now tap on each point on the face and torso, using the same phrases you used above to express yourself. Keep tapping until your ratings get to at least a 3. If you feel as if the rest will melt away by itself, you can go on to the next one. If not, go to zero. Tap and then re-rate your feelings. I CHOOSE! Now choose to feel fabulous and empowered (tap on the yeah-buts and I-can’ts, and keep choosing to feel and be fabulous and empowered. Describe that in your own terms, of course!). Tap the face and torso points as you tap in your new choices: ** I choose to do my business as systematically and professionally as Ms X does. ** I choose to find someone who will build me a site as great as hers–or greater! ** I choose to create a system that will help people as powerfully as hers. Or, ** I choose to help people in my own way just as powerfully and deeply, if not more so. ** I choose to do my life the way that feels right to me, in my own way and style. ** I forgive myself for being so hard on me, and choose to add more humor and fun to my life from now on Obviously, make your own choices in your own words–you may not even have a website! RE-RATE YOUR FEELINGS & THOUGHTS Look at the list of feelings and thoughts you had in the beginning. Re-rate them. Congratulations–you just took a big pile of energy that was holding you back and turned it into lovely creative juice with which you can nurture and empower yourself! RE-COMPARE Now look back at that person with whom you were comparing yourself. Recognize that she is simply on another level than you are, and you are absolutely OK the way you are right now. You were just noticing things about her that you could amp up on your own site, in yourself or your business to–or way beyond where they are now! NOW GET A MOVE ON! Choose a couple of items from the list of the things you admired about her. Look at your own life and doings: are you already doing the same type of thing in your own way? If not, would you even want to now that you have a more sober way to look at them? If so, what are they? Write them out clearly, make a mind map, or do what it takes in your own way to add them to your plan. What are a few very simple steps you can take to accomplish them? Start right now. Decide and determine to take all that lovely energy you just cleaned up and made available for creativity–and DO those steps! WHAT NEXT? Next time you find yourself comparing, notice your energy. Do you need to tap? Do it! No? Then use your comparing to see what you want to do or not do, and go on from there, knowing that you are a worthy, unique, irreplaceable being whose life and doings in the world are necessary and precious to the rest of us.