Do You Tend to Give-up on Your Will for the Sake of the Relationship? Be Careful! It might Harm Your Intimacy

When you sacrifice your own will “for the sake of the relationship” your relationship seems harmonious, everything is by mutual consent. However, because you don't allow place to your own will, but rather live according to your partner's, you begin to feel uncomfortable, frustrated and angry. When you develop Self-Awareness, understand what has driven you to give up on your will and realize the price you pay for it, you can get up the courage to make changes in your life and become able to develop and maintain a healthy relationship. What does it mean to be out of touch with your will? Lisa’s story Lisa pampers Adam. She takes care of him. She makes sure to do everything he wants and requests: she straightens up and cleans the house; she cooks and bakes; she runs around doing errands for him; she tries to satisfy his sexual desires. She feels such great love for him that she totally ignores own desires that she might have. The most important – and her only wish - is to be with and for him. In addition – or therefore - it doesn’t matter to Lisa which movie she goes to with Adam. She also doesn’t care which restaurant they go to for dinner. And taking a trip? Wherever he wants, whatever he decides. Purchasing a cabinet for the TV? Whichever wood and color he chooses. Which newspaper to purchase Sunday morning? Whatever he wants is fine with her. It really doesn’t matter. Explanation Lisa completely denies her will; she feels and behaves as though she has no will of her own. Whatever Adam wants is “fine” with her. The most important is that she’s in a relationship. Without acknowledging her behavior, Lisa is sacrificing herself for her relationship with Adam. Her inclination to be there for him without thinking about herself may boomerang and become her own downfall: when she sacrifices herself, she can’t develop a relationship of mutual give and take. Her need for love is so great that it blinds her from seeing how unhealthy her relationship is. What about you? When you sacrifice yourself and your desires on the altar of our relationship, you believe that your own good depends on the good of your partners: when things are good for them, they’re good for you as well. How does losing touch with your will find expression in your relationships? If you were aware of your will but shunned away from behaving according to it, you would have been frustrated, angry and bitter. Therefore, you prefer to ignore your will and be unaware of it, thus “protecting” yourself from such feelings and live with the fantasy that you’re happy and secure. What drives you to sacrifice yourself for your partner and the relationship? For the most part, when you sacrifice yourself for your partner, you do it unconsciously: at first, you don’t even know that you sacrifice yourself. You tell yourself that: * “I love my partner and want to do everything for him.” * “Compromises are important; all I do is trying to meet my partner halfway.” * “I am good, caring and understanding.” When you perceive yourself as such, you often don’t request anything from your partner. As a result, your partner gets used to the fact that you do what’s good for him/her. He/she is even liable to think that what’s good for him is good for us as well, since we have never requested anything or expressed any desire that was different from his. Over time, self-sacrifice causes frustration, anger and disappointment Lisa After two years, Lisa sees that Adam’s demands are becoming extreme; that he began treating her with contempt; that he takes for granted that she'll do everything he asks. She begins to feel unhappy and frustrated. She realizes that her relationship with him is far from the ideal one she’s always fantasized about. What about you? When you sacrifice your own will, ostensibly, on the surface, your relationship seems harmonious, everything is by mutual consent. However, because you don't allow place to your own will, but live according to your partner's, deep down inside you slowly begin to feel uncomfortable, lacking self-esteem and reciprocity. Frustration and bitte ess towards yourself and your partner are on the rising. The bitte ess you feel may become a way of life: you’re never satisfied, always grumbling and complaining, bitter and distant. You find yourself fighting with your partner but don’t know what and how to change. When you become frustrated and disappointed, you're liable to draw on justifications and explanations Lisa Lisa feels dissatisfied, but she doesn’t know what to do. It’s hard for her to think that she’d let two years just go down the tubes. She still loves Adam and tells herself that one must always compromise in a relationship. She convinces herself that, in any case, she won’t find anyone better. When Lisa begins to feel frustration and bitte ess about her unsatisfying relationship, she looks for justifications and explanations in order to convince herself to stay. What about you? When you begin to feel frustrated and uncomfortable in a relationship, you might be afraid to change anything you’re used to or separate. These feelings and fears drive you to justify to yourself the reasons why it’s right for you to continue behaving the way you did until now: * “It’s impossible to do everything one wants.” * “I don’t have the strength to start all over again.” * “Things wouldn’t be any different with someone else.” What can you do in order to stop sacrificing yourself and get in touch with your will? In order to get in touch with your will and behave accordingly, you need to understand what has driven you to not assert yourself: * Is it your fear of being alone (trying to behave “nice” so that your partners will not leave you)? * Is it that you have been taught, at an early age, that you “need to be there for others at all costs”, and this message has been imprinted so hard into you that you cannot NOT behave that way? * Is it that your need for love is so great that you are willing to give up on your will and needs hoping to always have a partner? When you delve into yourself, understand what has driven you to give up on your will and realize the price you pay for it, you can get up the courage to make changes in your life (your attitudes, reactions and behaviors), and be able to develop and maintain a healthy relationship.