“Falling in Love” or Pure Neediness? The Difference Might Determine the Future of the Relationship

Introduction Can a person driven by a bottomless need for love, causing her relationships fail time and again, get up the courage to look inwards, become aware of where this need comes from, realize the disastrous effect it has on her relationships and take the necessary steps to conquer it? ** Many singles are “dying” to have a relationship to such an extent that they are willing to “fall for” whoever shows interest in them. When one relationship ends they very quickly “fall for” another person, only to be abandoned once again. The problem is that those driven by such a huge need to be loved are not aware at all as to how their need controls them and drives them to behave in ways which are counter-productive to developing and maintaining a healthy and satisfying intimacy. Here is a brief story of one such person, taken from Ira Levin’s book “A Kiss before Dying”: “I met her a couple of weeks after classes began last year. I’d seen her before but I never spoke to her until this particular day…On the night before this day when I spoke with her, I’d been talking with some guys and one of them had said how the quiet girls were the ones who you’re more likely to have a good time with. So when I saw her the next day I remembered what this guy had said. I started a conversation with her. I told her I’d forgotten to take down the assignment and would she give it to me, and she did. I think she knew it was just an excuse to talk, but still she responded so eagerly it surprised me. Well anyways, we went out that Saturday night and we really had a nice time. I don’t mean fooling around or anything. Just a nice time. We went out again next Saturday night and two times the week after that, and then three times until finally, just before we broke up, we were seeing each other almost every night. Once we got to know each other, she was lot of fun. Early November it turned out that the guy was right, what he said about quiet girls. She was a nice girl, (but) it was just that she was love-starved. Not sex. Love. Things went that way for a while. She was really in love. I loved her too, only it wasn’t the same. It was – sympathy love. I felt sorry for her. The middle of December she started to talk about marriage. It was right before Christmas vacation and she wanted me to go to New York with her. Meet her family. I told her no, but she kept bringing it up again and finally there was a showdown. I told her I wasn’t ready to get tied down yet, and she said that plenty of men were engaged and even married by now…There was a scene and it was terrible. She cried and said I’d be sorry and all the things a girl says. Then after a while she changed her tack and said she was wrong; we would wait and go on the way we had been. But I’d been feeling sort of guilty all along, and told her it was all over, and there was more crying and more “I’ll be sorry” and that’s the way it ended. Towards the end of January she was starting to go with another guy…”. (From Ira Levin’s “A Kiss before Dying”). The Bottomless Need for Love and its Consequences You might wonder: can someone who is “so much in love with another” begin to go out with someone else so quickly after a separation? Doesn’t she need to take the time to heal? What is she running into? What is she escaping from? Is her need for love so great that it drives her to go out with whoever shows the slightest interest in her? What does it all say about her self-esteem? And is it possible for her to eventually get in touch with her bottomless need for love and counter-act her tendency to jump from one partner to another? Would she ever be able to understand where this horrific need comes from, and de-activate the power it exerts over her? Is it possible for her to ever develop a healthy relationship without first working on her bottomless need? What should a person in such a situation do to conquer the need and heal? For those driven by a bottomless need for love – or by any other needs which harm their relationships time and again - the best way to counter-act and conquer the need is: get up the courage to look inwards, become aware of where this need comes from, realize the disastrous effect it has on their relationships and take the necessary steps to conquer it. This might mean being without a relationship for a while and taking the time to work on the issues. Your Personal Story Regardless of what your personal story is, if you have experienced a number of failed relationships and wish to find out what might have stood in your way from developing a successful intimacy, you can do so by developing Self-Awareness: It will enable you to understand what might have hindered your attempts at having a satisfying relationship and in what ways you might have sabotaged yourself and your relationships (due to your needs, fears, or other factors). The time you’ll spend figuring it out is a time well spent. Following your self-exploration you’ll become empowered to develop the relationship you so much desire.