Fear Of Commitment And How You Can Defeat It Or Help Someone You Know or Love

One of a growing number of reasons frustrated singles turn to the help of a dating coach is to help them overcome fear of commitment or help them deal with a lover’s fear of commitment.

If you’ve been reading my articles, by now you know that for many years I was a commitment phobic. In one case, I backed out of a proposal the moment the words “yes” left my mouth. I got out of that one by pretending the “yes” was a joke. The other time, I just didn’t turn up at my own wedding - left the groom waiting at the altar. The third time, I really wanted to conquer the fear I had of commitment and decided the best way to do this was to do the “proposing”. Needless to say, I really made a complete ass of myself. The guy said “no”. As it turns out, it was the same guy I had said “yes” to and backed out by claiming it was a joke. The joke was on me the second time round…

So how did I overcome my fear of commitment - by facing my “demons” head on. My own experiences have provided me a lot of reference in my work helping other people overcome their own fears of commitment.

If you are fighting “commitment phobia”, you will identify with one or more of the most common fears men and women have about the commitment. And who knows may be you too will soon be enjoying a fabulous committed relationship – I am! And if you are in a relationship with someone struggling with making a decision as to whether to move on or not, you can show him or her that you are sensitive to his or her fears by helping him or her discover and confront his/her fears. Some these fears and anxieties are obvious; others are subtle.

1. Fear of the unknown.

New experiences and demands can be stressful. You don't know just what is round the corner, and you worry about this. You are more content to stick with status quo than to opt for an uncertain future. This fear is especially pronounced in those people who lack self-confidence and the fear can escalate when demands are made on us.

2. Fear of making a mistake

The decision not to decide is itself a decision, and frequently a mistake! This fear is common among men and women who have more choices they can pick from and the more the choices the greater the fear. You fear that you will regret the decision tomorrow, next week, or next month and so delay and drag out the process hoping that you won’t make a mistake or fail.

3. Fear of losing family and friends

We all rely on the support of family and friends. You fear losing those people who do not approve of your decision (family, friends, children from previous marriage etc) because you have a strong need for the social approval of others. But this fear is not simply about not being able to handle their anger or rejection but fear of when things go wrong – and having them say “I told you so”.

4. Fear of losing control.

We all want to feel that we have choices and are in control. And part of the sense of control is in being able to control the timing of a relationship (when and how it’ll happen). What usually happens is that everything is going on well, but once you feel that you are losing that control you freak out and back off.

Often if we have a bad experience we are influenced by it and almost expect history to repeat itself, setting up negative expectations. To overcome your fears pay attention to what you are privately saying to yourself when confronted with fear? What are the are your underlying personal beliefs about the fear. Write these beliefs on the left side of a piece of paper. On the right side, challenge your beliefs as if you were on the opposite side of a debate.

Next, go back to the last time(s) you experienced any of the fears above and didn't cope well with it leading you to doubt yourself. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that will happen this time?" Then again challenge your beliefs as if you were on the opposite side of a debate. You’ll be surprised how easy this is. By taking another side from your usually mindset, you’ll open your mind to another viewpoint.