Five Conversations to Have with Your Spouse Before the Holidays

Many people experience stress during the holiday season. Some get the blues. Others find that the holidays don’t quite turn out they way they had hoped. To make sure your holiday season creates more joy and less stress, have these five conversations with your spouse soon. Conversation One: Share Expectations Get clear about what you want from the holidays and express that to your spouse. Do you know what you want? Are there parts of last year’s celebrations you want to change, eliminate, or restructure? Are there pieces you want to add or embellish? It is difficult to express your holiday desires until you are clear in your own mind about what you want. Check it out inside. What does your gut tell you about the upcoming holidays? What do you dread? What thoughts put a smile on your face? Do some journaling to get clear about your holiday expectations. Create your personal fantasy of the best holiday season ever. When you know what you want, share that information with your partner. Chances are, your partner is not a physic and is not adept at reading your mind. Open up and communicate your holiday desires. Invest as much time listening to your partner as you do sharing your ideas. Your partner has equally valid desires that need to be addressed if your family is going to experience a joy-full holiday season. Arriving at a set of mutual expectations for this special time of year takes a willingness to alternately talk and listen until consensus is achieved. Conversation Two: Money Create a holiday financial plan. How much money do you want to budget for gifts, entertainment, and food? Can you agree on how much money to spend on each other?rnWhere will the money come from? Who is going to supply the money and when will they do that? Are you willing to go into debt and if so, how much? Will you borrow or use a credit card? There is no right or wrong answers to the money questions that arise during this conversation. What is important is that you reach agreement. Also discuss ways to help each other stick to the financial plan. If one person holds the line and another goes way over budget, resentment can grow along with the size of the bills. Conversation Three: In-Laws and Other Relatives Sex, money, and in-laws are the three most often discussed topics during marriage counseling. Best to anticipate the potential in-law problem and head it off at the pass. Come to an agreement on how you want to handle the in-laws before they call you. Create your plan and propose it to the in-laws rather than being forced to react to their proposal. By discussing plans for how to deal with in-laws (both sets) prior to the holidays, you become proactive rather than reactive. Keep in mind that you will not be able to make everyone happy. If you attempt to meet everyone’s needs, you will over-schedule and create stress for yourself and your family. Focus on your family’s needs and create this part of the holiday festivities the way you want it. Conversation Four: Exit Strategy So you find yourself at a party. One person wants to leave. The other one wants to stay. What do you do now? If you have engaged in Conversation Four prior to the event, the answer is already in place. Invest some time in creating an exit strategy for parties and visiting relatives. Your strategy might include taking two cars. That way if one person wants to leave early, the other doesn’t feel she has to leave as well. If partners differ on when to leave the party, one feels obligated to leave sooner than she would like to or one has to stay longer than he desires. Not if your exit strategy includes two cars. Design and agree on an “I’m ready to go” signal. Create a hand signal or verbal cue that informs your partner you have reached your limit. Agree ahead of time how to respond to the signal. The signal might mean “I’m ready to go. Let’s head out in about 15 minutes.” The signal gives the other person time to wrap up their conversation and say good-byes before you head out the door. Conversation Five: The Regular Schedule Agree to stick to your regular schedule as much as possible. This is especially important if you have children. Bed times, wake up, and meals need to be close to the regular schedule to prevent stress and fatigue. If you want to add disruptive behavior to your holiday fun, disrupt you children’s normal schedule. Friends and relatives will pressure you to meet on their schedule rather than on one that works best for your family. Decide together just how far you will stray from the schedule that works for you and your family Be careful not to over plan. Hectic does not make for happy times. Accept that you can not do it all. Talk about not doing it all. Keep the pace comfortable whether unwrapping gifts, visiting relatives, or scheduling appearances at your place of worship Holding these five conversations before the holiday season begins will go a long way towards making your November and December joy-full and rewarding. Give yourself and your partner the gift of conversation this year. You’re worth it.