Fixing It When You've Been Too Emotional

I'd like to share an e-mail I received recently from a nreader of my e-book, "Catch Him & Keep Him."

She asked me a question about her relationshipnthat I think many women can relate to.

Here it is:nn>>>>Question:

Hey Christian, how are you?

I purchased a copy of your ebook yesterday! It'snamazing, it's like my new bible! Woo! Congrats! Inwas reading and got really scared when I startednreading on page 124 about neediness. I have prettynmuch been doing nearly all off them! But yesterday
I said to myself I would try to change! And I willnfor the sake of my relationship! I have beenndating my man for a year this May. Do you thinknthere is still time for me to get my relationshipnback to the way it was when he called me more,ntold me he loved me more, and couldn't wait to seenme?

I may sound in denial, but I know it's me that hasnbeen bitching out of jealousy lately. I have beennoverly emotional to try to attract his attentionnand I have recently become clingy. I am going tonchange, as I feel I am pushing him away. In fact,
I feel he has dropped me some hints that I'mnpushing him away. What do you think?

L.W.nn>>>>My Commentsnn Ok, you're doing about 132 different things tonscrew yourself up here, and sabotage the goodnthings you have going.

And the worst part is... you know it.

But you still CAN'T HELP YOURSELF.

Ouch.

Do me a favor and go ahead and give yourself angood hard SLAP!

Ok, now that you're awake and listening...

Let me address your direct question first,nsince I won't be able to get to your whole bag ofn"goodies" here.

"Is there still time for me to get mynrelationship back to the way it was when he callednme more, told me he loved me more, and couldn'tnwait to see me?"

No.

And stop trying. (Go ahead and give yourselfnanother slap here for worrying about this.)

You will NEVER get back to how you both werenbefore things grew into a new place in you
relationship.

Period.

And in case you don't see it, the fact thatnyou're no longer in that early "intense" stage,nand have moved past it together, is largely anGREAT thing.

But not for you in your freaked out, lovenstarved mind.

Here's the first thing I want you to recognize-n
Relationships GROW and CHANGE.

Sit and think about that simple truth for anminute.

Think about how every relationship you've eve
had, with each person you've met, has changed fromnwhere it was when it began.

Now that you've thought about this...

I don't know if you see this yet, but it's anGOOD THING that you've grown past what you hadnbefore.

"But how?", you're wondering.

Because you now have the potential to havensomething EVEN BETTER.

Seriously.

Better than the "cutesy, pet-name calling,nspending all weekend in each others arms, notnseeing anyone but each other for days, talking allnnight on the phone till your ear hurts, feelingnnervous and anxious each time you're going to seeneach other" situation you had when you first gotntogether.

I know... There's nothing like that instant,nintense chemistry and attraction you feel andnshare in the initial "honeymoon" phase.

So what in the world could be better?

I'll tell you...

Something that includes more of who you bothntruly are inside.

Something that lets you both live, learn andngrow - independently AND together.

In other words... something that's REAL andnwill LAST.

The truth is, in a REAL and LASTINGnRELATIONSHIP, things are going to CHANGE - whethe
you like it or not.

His feelings will change.

Your feelings will change.

How you both interact will change.

And how much attention each person gives to thenrelationship and to the other will change.

These are INEVITABLE, no matter who you are ornwhat you want from love and a relationship.

So where am I going with this?

Well, what really matters now that things arenchanging is how you choose to deal with thenchanges.

Instead of RESISTING, trying to prevent thenchanges from happening, and becoming scared andnemotional when you recognize change, you need tonlea
how to work with it.

So let me ask you...

Are you going to allow the changes to FREAK YOUnOUT, and let your FEAR and INSECURITIES take over?

Doing this will of course keep on creatingnnegative emotional experiences, MORE DISTANCE, andnworst of all... MORE UNCERTAINTY in you
boyfriend's mind about if you are the girl henwants to be with.

Or...

Are you going to start learning to LISTEN,
THINK and ACT in ways that create more POSITIVEnEMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES, less distance, and bring
MORE CERTAINTY to your boyfriends mind about younand your relationship?

I take it you're going to choose what's behind
Door #2 - the "learning" option?

Good.

Let's get started.

PERFECTIONISM, FEAR, AND GETTING IN YOUR OWN WAY

The truth is you will never get back to wherenyou were with someone from when you first met.

But in your relationship, you can become 100ntimes CLOSER than you were, IF you can LEARN to
ACCEPT and UNDERSTAND more about the "wholenpicture" of who you both are - for better or worsen- and start to figure out what to do now thatnthings are more "real".

But here's where one of your biggest challengesnwill come up...

By knowing more about the whole picture, you'llnstart recognizing LESS PERFECTION about him andnyour relationship (which you already are).

And seeing this will keep setting off more FEA
and INSECURITY in your mind.

But if you bother to pay attention, you'llnrecognize the same kinds of imperfections you seenin him, in yourself.

You are also imperfect in how you act out onnyour jealousy.

You are also imperfect in your fears.

You're also imperfect in your insecurities.

And you are also imperfect in your desire fornhim to be someone or something else.

And guess what?

He sees your imperfections right now too. Andnpart of him inside wants to either withdraw, ornrun from the situation all together.

But remember, he's not perfect either.

I can't tell you how important it is, and willncontinue to be for your future relationship, tondevelop the ability to "watch" your own emotionsninside as they come up.

That way, you can start to CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSEnhow to let them affect you and how you communicatenwith men.

Otherwise, you're on "auto-pilot" and all thenadvice and "truth" in the world isn't going tonhelp you.

Here's a VERY QUICK TIP about this:

Most of us have those instant, negative, knee-njerk reactions in our lives when we are running o

"empty" emotionally.

On the other hand, when we're very FULFILLED innour own lives, and doing the things that makes usnfeel "full" emotionally, we are MUCH MOREnconfident, calm and in control.

See where I'm going here?

You need to find a way to start GIVING YOURSELFnsome of the positive emotional input you'renseeking.

My favorite way, personally, happens to be bynusing deep breathing and doing intense exercise.

I want you to find your own way. And stick tonit.

If you do, you'll notice a change in yourselfnand how people respond to you everywhere you go.

But enough about that.

Let's get back to your situationnspecifically...

There's something IMPORTANT I want you tonrealize about where you're at.

The things you used to do that worked in then"early stages" of your relationship aren't workingnfor you anymore.

In part, it's really that simple.

So...

You need to learn WHAT WORKS in this new areanor "phase" of your relationship, and of your ownnlife.

You need to ADAPT.

But here's where it isn't so simple...

The way most of us adapt around change is onenof the areas of human behavior that's most
FASCINATING to me.

Here's why-n
Most of us have developed a basic set ofn"strategies" we use in our lives, when it comes tondealing with other people and relationships.

And these strategies were usually born out ofn"trial and error" throughout our lives andndeveloped in response to our specific environmentsnand the people we were surrounded with.

We'd try one thing... and it wouldn't work.

Then we'd try another... and it would work.

And then we'd stick with the behavior we foundnthat worked, and use it for years. Sometimes for anlifetime.

But what happens when something around usnchanges?

What does our strategy usually look like in thenface of change?

You got it. It stays THE SAME.

We often spend days, months or years trying thensame "strategies" over and over, even when we'rennow FAILING again and again because we KNEW for anfact that our old strategy worked.

But we keep doing things that aren't workingnagain and again, until serious frustration setsnin.

Why do so many of us do this?

Well, in part, because our old strategy simply
WORKED, and we got a "pay-off" from doing thenbehavior involved.

Which means that the impulse, too, becamen"wired up" into our minds to play outnautomatically.

So most of us believe, on a deeper level, thatnour strategy is what works best. And if we keep onndoing it, the environment around us that hasnchanged will eventually correct itself.

WRONG!

Don't get stuck in the dead-end cycle of tryingnto use the SAME strategies in NEW situations.

It's a sure-fire way to fail - especially withnpeople and relationships.

To make a long story short...

You need to figure out how to communicate innthe NEW environments you move into.

You need to find a "strategy for dealing withnthe built-i
"imperfections" of getting trulynclose and intimate with a man.

You need a new "strategy" to help a man, andnyourself, open up in a POSITIVE way that bringsnyou both CLOSER.

You need to figure out how to not just have angreat "start" to relationships and never be ablento make it work after the honeymoon is over, butnhow to KEEP the connection, attraction andnintimacy AFTER THE HONEYMOON IS OVER.

And you need to start understanding how
CONNECTION and ATTRACTION works inside a LONG TERMnRELATIONSHIP when you're no longer in a "casual"ndating situation.

The two are VERY different.

By the way, you might want to check out my e-book,nwhere I give specific strategies on to keep that "spark" nalive well beyond the first few weeks when you're ndating a man:
www.catchhimandkeephim.com/s=23546nnn This leads me to the second thing I want younto recognize that will help you create a bette
long term relationship with a man:

You need to start living IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.

Or, on the flip-side, stop living in the past.

I know this isn't some amazing originalninsight, but there's something new and importantnto see here...

I'll let you in on a little secret I've foundnout about a few years back.

It's something lots of women do innrelationships that is completely COUNTERPRODUCTIVEnto their own emotional well being and for thenstate of their relationship -

Lots of women play something I call then"connect-the-dots" game in relationships withnmen.

It goes like this...

You become worried about your relationship, andnyou start looking for possible signs of danger.

But instead of looking for how things are GOODnin your relationship, you look to see if you cannfind clues that things are BAD.

And of course you start finding all then"evidence" you need, from the present AND thenpast.

So you take past events, conversations,nbehaviors, etc. and start to tie them all togethe
into one giant "conspiracy".

And in just a few rounds of playing you
version of "connect-the-dots" with all the thingsnyou think you're finding wrong, it happens...

You finally come up with "PROOF".

I'm talking about your very own PROOF thatnthings are BAD in the relationship, or wrong withnthe guy you're with.

Which sets you off on an even more intensenemotional tail-spin.

And here's where it gets even more DESTRUCTIVE-

Your guy doesn't have any idea that you'renthinking about these things, since you haven'tnreally shared it with him, aside from how you'venbeen acting out your fears and doubts.

But you wish he'd see through how you'renacting, and all the "hints" you're dropping, andnopen up and ask you what's REALLY going on.

Sound familiar?

Do you play the "connect-the-dots" game?

Are you an expert at finding the "proof" thatnthings are going bad in your relationship?

Or that he's thinking about leaving you?

Or that he DOESN'T love you?

IF you are, wake up!

You're not strengthening your relationship...

You're breaking it down and picking on all thenthings you fear in a negative emotional way.

Which leaves a man little choice but to seenthat you're emotionally OUT OF CONTROL.

Let me ask you... what do you think a man feelsnwhen you're doing this?

And what does this make him think about beingnwith you?

It often tells a man, on a SUBCONSCIOUS level,nthat you don't know how to deal with your feelingsnin a way that will create positive experiences fornthe two of you in the future.

It also tells him that each time doubt or fea
comes into your mind, you're not going to be ablento deal with it in a mature and healthy way, andnyou'll turn your feelings about it on him and makenit HIS FAULT.

A healthy, fun, attractive, successful man does
NOT want to be with a woman long-term who turnsnuncertain or challenging situations into NEGATIVEnemotional experiences every time.

He wants a woman who brings amazing thoughts,nfeelings and POSITIVE experiences and growth intonhis life.

And even if the subject matter is tough ornlikely to make you both freaked out, he wants anwoman who is going to be confident and emotionallynhealthy enough to work through things with him toncreate more CONNECTION - not build resentment and
DISTANCE.

Of course, men have a lot to learn in this areantoo, which is also why it's important to pick thenright guy who's done some of "the work" himself.

But the amazing thing I've learned fromnobserving and working with tons of women and mennis that it often takes just one...

Just one person in the relationship to be thenone to have the emotional "maturity" and skills tontake the potentially negative things they'renconfronted with in the relationship, and turn themninto positive opportunities for growth andnconnection.

That's why it's time...

It's time for you to shift your thinking fromnfear, insecurity, uncertainty and idealism... andnstart finding ways to be the one who helps CREATEnthe DEEPER CONNECTION you want FOR YOURSELF.

The reality is... it's EASY early on in anrelationship to experience intense chemistry andnattraction.

Which makes it EASY for you both to call allnthe time, think of each other constantly, and wantnto be with one another every minute.

But when things change, as they always will, itnmeans you have to learn how to create thenconnection and experiences you want in the newnenvironment.

Right now, here's what I want you to do...

Put to use what's in front of you!

Go to page 85 in my eBook and start going backnover the section called "Setting Yourself Apart
From Other Women".

Once you're there, I want you to take whatnyou've already learned reading my book so far, andnspend at least 15 minutes thinking about thenquestio
I pose at the start of this section:

"What kind of woman makes a man want to donromantic and adventurous things, and stay closenand connected with her in the long run?"

Then... write dow
YOUR OWN thoughts about thenanswer to this question - using what you've readnso far in my book.

Then... I want you to take a good long look atnwhat I call "the single most important thing thatnattracts a man for the long term" at the start ofnpage 86 - and keep reading there about how you
success or failure with this rests on 2 criticalnthings:

1. Your Emotional State

2. Your Exte
al Behavior & Communicationnn Then go on to read the rest of that sectionnand note the 5 specific positive "habits" orntraits I list and explain in detail.

There's a TON for you to work with in thesenpages that will give you clear steps to changenyour needy and "clingy" thoughts and behavior - ifnyou take the time to think on the ideas and do thenexercises.

HOW EMOTIONAL "DRAMA" EFFECTS LONG TERMnRELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN

And let me give you a quick piece of advicenabout men here... and about yourself.

Men LOVE their "FREEDOM".

Or what they perceive as "freedom".

You intuitively know and understand thisnbecause you probably have guy friends, a brother,nwhoever, and you see how they are.

You see how they have a strong "masculine"nimpulse to feel "free"...

To feel in control of their own lives...

To make their own decisions free of what theynsee as "obligation"...

And to not be too "tied down" in intensenemotional situations all the time.

You might not see it right now since you're sonfocused on becoming closer and committed with him,nbut your freedom as a woman is very important tonyou too.

Freedom to think what you want.

Freedom to feel what you want.

And freedom to act how you want.

Which is why... you're BOTH going to need tonlea
to be CLOSER and MORE SEPARATE atnthe same time in your relationship.

I'm talking about a long term "emotionalnconnection" here that runs much deeper than allnthe things you feel when you're together...

So that there's a natural understanding of thenother person when you're doing your own thing,nchanging, growing, or when you're not as close asnyou have been.

So stop the jealousy, the "bitching" and then"girly neediness for attention" stuff.

Stop it NOW.

Not only do these behaviors tell your guy thatnyou don't have an understanding about him, and you
own feelings...

But the way you're acting when you're beingnjealous or needy is 100% annoying and very
UNATTRACTIVE.

And most importantly, in terms of you
relationship...

Your behavior is telling your guy, on a deepe
level, that the closer he gets to you, the morendifficult (and less fun and interesting) you willnbecome, and the less freedom he'll have to livenhis life and be free of the intense negativenemotional experiences you create each time you getnscared.

How do you think that speaks to him when henthinks about you both together in the future?

Whew!

I've given you a lot of good ideas here.

They will get you started.

Think about these ideas and see how they can fitninto YOUR life and improve the way you see you
relationship.

Meanwhile, be sure to click on this link and nsign up to receive my FREE dating and relationship nadvice weekly newsletter through your e-mail.

There's NO obligation and you can opt out nanytime:
www.catchhimandkeephim.com/s=23546nnnnnn