Going Through Hell

Hey Doc:

My fiancé just left me about a week ago she says she needs to find her self and figure out what she wants. We were together for just over 3 years and have our problems like any relationship. I have a hard time expressing my deep feelings and at times I am independent and distant I speak with out thinking and I have made a lot of mistakes like hurtful comments.

I have been dealing with a legal matter and have been really stressed out and when I am like that I don’t like to be around her because I am moody and irritable and snappy and I didn’t want to take it out on her so I would go to my friends house and play video games to get my mind off my legal matters. She pretty much got on her knees and begged me for some attention but I didn’t give her enough. She finally got sick of my BS and took her clothes and left. Right now my world is upside down and I can’t even function properly, as time goes on it seems to be getting harder and harder.

I want her back more then anything in this world. But she says that she needs to see more ambition, more drive, she said that I need to do a complete 180 from where I am now. I also want to better myself. I was trying to get off probation to enlist in the coast guard so we could start our life off right.

What can I do to win her back? I am not just being a person who got their heart broke I really want this for my life and I only want her I can’t picture my life without her.

Please give me some guidance on how I could get her back and to improve myself.n=====================
Hello!

The very first thing you should do is to stop taking so much responsibility for her bad behavior!

Let me get this straight: you're having all these problems and while you're not the nicest guy to be around during this, she figures that she'll just let you swing and protect herself by running and letting you deal with all of this by yourself? Some team player she is! Some love, caring and connection she's showing!

Now, she wants you to get everything fixed and then when everything is 100% she'll consider getting back with you?

You've got a serious problem here if that's the kind of relationship you really want!

For Christ's sake! What the hell would happen if you two actually got married and had a rocky road? Well, let me tell you: she'd bolt again, divorce you and take everything. You think you're hurting now? Just wait!

Let me tell you what a "healthy relationship" looks like since you obviously don't know:

Every relationship has problems. Every relationship has ups and downs and everybody in them are selfish sometimes. However, the couple agrees to work through those things for the benefit of the relationship. They take each problem as it comes (regardless of who "owns" the problem) and they work through it as a team. They agree to stay together through the hard times and to make it work. They don't just boot the other out the door and tell them to get it worked out and when they do, come back and "we'll see".

Does your relationship sound "healthy" by that model? It sure doesn't to me. Even worse, is that you actually believe that you deserve all of this!

NOTHING in a relationship is every one-sided. There are always two stories. If she's begging you for attention when you're having all these problems, the issue is HER need for attention - not you and your problems! This is where she needs to put herself aside and focus on YOUR needs, not her own. If she can't do that, I don't believe that you should even consider being with her. Worse yet, if YOU believe you should, then there's nothing I can do to help you.

Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.nnCopyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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