Going Too Fast, Going Too Slow

Dear Dr. Neder,

What's a good way to enter into a sexual relationship so that you don't go too fast or too slow? Sometimes if the guy goes too fast it can be really threatening to the woman (unless she likes it of course.)

Hello!

This is an excellent question!

The key is to not try to manipulate the relationship to either move too fast OR too slow. You have to let it happen on it's own at its own speed...HOWEVER...

You also need to realize that for men; contrary to the way most women work, we need to get past the physical in order to get to the emotional elements. Until that happens, we never get there! If that doesn't happen within our "window of opportunity" it'll close and you'll NEVER have access to our emotional sides.

Women want the emotional connection first however, so we guys have evolved all sorts of systems in order to make you think we're on the same page with you when in fact, we're not.

The answer then is for women to evolve too. You need to work on growing your sexuality so that you are able to manage the balance between the physical and emotional better. In fact, women control sex whereas men control the relationship itself. It's an interesting balance if you think about it: women want the relationship controlled by men and men want the sex controlled by women!

The biggest problem that I see is women assuming that everyone works the same way you do. Men do not. Thus, you'll often hold off the exact thing you'd need in order to connect with the man you want only to find that he bangs you and leaves!

If you work on your sexuality - embracing it and seeing it for the benefit that it is - the timing of it comes more quickly and easily for you. You don't need to try to manipulate the relationship artificially in order to get what you want. You can get what you want and GIVE what you want at the same time. In effect, both people benefit directly! This isn't threatening at all in this case.

Copyright (c) 2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.