How Can I Get Him to Never Leave Me?

Dr. Neder,

I've been dating a man for almost 3 months now. I've very much been the short-lived relationship kind of gal in the past. Typically at 3 months, I'll find some reason to end the relationship. Whether it's not feeling a physical connection, or not feeling an emotional connection, or, I just can't stand his family, or he has some annoying habit I can't look past. With the new person, I have none of those issues, we connect in all ways. But for some reason, I can't stop thinking that one day, he'll change his mind about how he feels, or that he's not really telling the truth when he says he'll love me and never leave. I know I have abandonment issues, from a mother that has not spoken with me since I was 15. I'm 29 now and my boyfriend is 27. We knew each other for well over 6 months before we made our relationship official. He had an on again off again relationship during those 6 months, and at one point we were intimate during that time. I believe that incident may be forcing me to think that he will just do that to me as well. He claims his feelings are different, and I do believe him, but can I trust him? How do I make that decision and ignore the past? How do I stop sabotaging my relationships? n==============

Hello!

First of all, expecting someone to never leave you is instantly setting yourself up for failure. How can someone ever make that promise in reality? Even if he believes it, it's impossible to make such a promise - and even worse to expect someone to live by it. There are 1001 reasons why someone has to move on. n
It's far, far better to believe that someone might actually leave you rather than to expect they won't. Why? Simple: because that way you'll invest (and continue to invest) in the relationship in order to keep them around. Women actually use all sorts of "relationship tricks" to try to get such a commitment from a man. Marriage is even one of these! Men are under huge pressure from women, other men and even society to be "honorable" and to live by their word, (interestingly, women are under no such obligation!) Thus, by trying to get a man to make such a commitment, women often feel that he is then obligated to never leave her; or some other ridiculous belief. n
These same women then "give up" trying to continue to earn their man; believing that they actually own him due to the promise. When he finally does leave because he's not getting what he wants, she turns around and blames him rather than seeing that SHE was the reason for it all alone. n
Do you see why it's a mistake to try to believe that a man would never leave you or to even try to extract such a promise?

Here's the reality: no man will leave any relationship in which his needs are being met. How simple is that? If you continue to make sure he's taken care of, he'll continue to make sure you're secure - and also taken care of! That's a pretty good relationship in my book! n
When you talk about things like "trust"; there's an incorrect belief that trust is based on someone else - what they do, say, think, etc. It's not. Trust is an internal thing. Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short video on Trust under BAM TV. This will give you a much better perspective on exactly what trust is. You have all the control on trust - not your boyfriend. n
As to how to make that decision - it's very easy. Simply realize that you have the power here. You control not only the quality of, but the longevity of your relationship with your boyfriend. When you give up and stop thinking of his needs, you also risk the relationship. It's that simple. n
Finally; about sabotaging your relationships: you're already on that road by just asking this question. You're seeking answers and that is the second step - the first is realizing that you have the problem in the first place. What's the next? Just taking responsibility for the quality - and life - of your relationships and deciding that you're going to make them work as long as you're also getting what you want and need from them. This is what it means to "work on your relationship". n
Best regards...
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Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.nnCopyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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