How to Combat the Fear of Being Alone and Become Empowered to Develop a Healthy and Successful Intimate Relationship

The best way to talk about the damage that the fear of being alone causes to those “infected” by it is by bringing up a real-life-anecdote:

REBECCA

Every evening, instead of going home after a busy day at work, Rebecca meets men on blind dates. What would she do all alone at home anyway? Read a book? Watch television? The emptiness of her apartment terrifies her. Even if she'll try to read a book or watch TV, she won’t be able to concentrate, because her mind is constantly busy with finding a partner.

Explanation:

The fear of being alone prevents Rebecca from living a balanced life. Finding a partner has turned into a “project”. Anything else seems meaningless. That’s why she dates men who aren’t suitable for her, making it impossible for her to establish any meaningful relationship with any of them.

WHEN LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP TURNS INTO A DAILY OCCUPATION

Rebecca’s story might sound familiar to you either from your own experience or from the experience of people you know. Every morning upon waking up, you (or they, just like Rebecca) might be telling yourself, with a mixture of hope and despair, “Maybe today. Maybe, finally, today will be the day”. On such mornings, even if you are not religious, you may find yourself asking God's help.

WHAT YOU DISPLAY ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN YOU FOCUS ENTIRELY ON FINDING A PARTNER

When you are driven by the fear of being alone and focus your whole attention on finding a partner:

• You don’t display happiness and serenity, but rather despair and impatience.
• You don’t display love and openness, but rather hopelessness and suffering.
• You don’t display power and inner strength, but rather dependency and neediness.

WHICH SELF-SABOTAGING BEHAVIORS YOU ARE ENGAED WITH WHILE RUNNING AWAY FROM THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE

When that’s how you feel and what you display to your surroundings, you are not capable to find and choose a partner who’s suitable for you. In addition, you tend to behave in self-sabotaging ways, such as:

• Jump from one partner to another.
• Escape into a relationship instead of choosing it.
• Get into a relationship without resolving issues from the past and without being ready for a new one.
• Get into relationships that are wrong for you.
• Stay in relationships that aren’t good for you.
• Not be true to yourself.
• Behave like a victim.

HOW TO STOP THIS AGONIZING CYCLE

You can stop sabotaging yourself IF YOU REALLY WANT TO. Keep in mind, however, that it will not be easy. Since you have been driven by the fear of being alone for a long time, it might be difficult for you to change your behavioral pattern.

BUT – and this is the important point:

* If you are really fed up with your current situation; and
* Are really motivated to change it;

THEN:
YOU CAN STOP THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE FROM CONTROLLING YOU!

The best way to do so is to BE BY YOURSELF FOR A WHILE WITHOUT ATTEMPTING TO FIND A PARTNER

Being by yourself will:

* Give you the opportunity to look inside, contemplate and reflect about yourself, your needs and fears, your attitudes and behaviors;
* Enable you to understand the damage the fear of being alone has brought upon you and your relationships;
* Enable you to see which self-defeating behaviors you have utilized to escape this fear.

SELF-AWARENESS IS THE SECRET TO COMBATING YOUR FEAR OF BEING ALONE

As you become motivated to combat the fear and get up the courage to be by yourself, to contemplate and reflect, you will be able to realize the heavy toll the fear of being alone has exerted over you.
This understanding will enable you to acknowledge and accept the self-defeating behaviors you have used until now to find a partner, change your attitudes and behaviors, and adopt new ones, vital to cultivating a truly healthy and satisfying relationship.