How You Deal with Conflict

"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." BrianTracy

When you are part of any community you interact with others. Being part of community is being connected to something that is larger than yourself. The opposite would be isolation where you live in a vacuum. That is not the desire, or the reality, for most people.

We each have our own set of experiences, beliefs and ways of looking at the world. How many times have you gone to a movie with someone and both of you had very different opinions and reactions to the movie? Same movie, seen at the same time, but different responses based upon your individual way of looking at things.

Because we are individuals, our life experience is unique. There will be disagreement or conflict. At some point in time, someone is not going to agree with your opinion or do things your way. Conflict. It will eventually happen. None of us has the ability to control others or our environment no matter how hard we try or want to. In the long run, trying to control others is tiring and usually backfires.

Conflict is an internal experience related to an exte
al source. You feel threatened in some way. I know “threatened” is a strong word to use, but that is what your subconscious is perceiving. When a threat is perceived your body releases adrenaline and cortisol. As a result of that, your body goes into survival mode typically known as a fight, flight or freeze response.

You can go to extremes to try to avoid conflict. At some time, or another, it will occur. Conflict is not the issue. Conflict is a perception of an event, or interaction, between people. How you emotionally respond to conflict will affect your physical response. If you can change your perception about conflict then you will create the opportunity to change how you respond to conflict.

Your response to someone not agreeing with your point of view is a learned behavior. Your family taught you how to handle conflict by example. Many families, however, do not deal with conflict in a positive way. They might not have been the best examples of effective communication.

If you are not familiar with the Emotional Freedom Technique, download the Tapping Into Emotional Freedom manual at http://www.kolpiacounseling.com/index.html

Set up while tapping on the Karate Chop point on the side of the hand
"Even though I have these conflicts and I don't feel safe, I deeply love and accept all parts of myself.
"Even though I avoid conflict at all costs, I accept my feelings and who I am."
"Even though I don't stand up for myself when I have conflict, I choose to appreciate who I am and how I feel."

Eyebrow: "I obviously have conflicts."
Side of Eye: "These conflicts feel unsafe."
Under Eye: "I feel conflict when I feel threatened by other people?"
Nose: "I don’t feel like myself when I'm being put on the spot?"
Chin: "I'm willing to resolve the conflict but I don't know how."
Collarbone: "I won't feel safe if I state how I feel."
Under Arm: "I'm afraid to deal with conflict so I avoid it at all cost."
Head: "I don't feel safe when I picture myself standing up for myself with certain people."

Eyebrow: "I want to focus and resolve these feelings about conflict."
Side of Eye: "I can feel safe even when I stand up for myself and am honest about my needs."
Under Eye: "I choose to resolve these fears about conflict and using my voice."
Nose: "I can release my fear of being threatened and that my needs don’t count."
Chin: "I choose to feel safe even if I'm speaking up for myself."
Collarbone: "If they don’t agree with my needs, that is okay."
Under Arm: "I love feeling this positive energy around finding my voice."
Head: "I appreciate feeling so hopeful about speaking my truth."

Instead of focusing on the problem and trying to get away from where you don’t want to be, focus on the solution and where you want to go. Consider the fact that the Law of Attraction is always at work. You will attract to yourself what you are focused upon. If you are focusing on the threat you feel when someone does not agree with you, then you will respond from a place of fear and avoidance. Focus on the direction that you would like to move toward because you know you deserve to do that.

Activity: Think about how you would like to respond differently to conflict. Image being assertive and responding in a way that supports your values. If you took that approach, how would you respond differently? How would you feel differently being able to assert yourself? The outcome might not change, but the way you deal with it will change and that is significant.