*** If You Learn To Love Yourself, Will You End Up Alone?

By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
October 03, 2016

If you learn to love yourself and you become happy and whole, will you end up alone? Will a partner want you if you are not needy?
I had been working with Kathleen for a few months when we had the following discussion:

KATHLEEN: I know that the Inner Bonding process really works to learn to love myself. It's really helpful to me when I do it, but I find myself being very resistant to doing it, and I don't know why.

MARGARET: There must be a very good reason. What are you afraid will happen if you learn to love yourself?

KATHLEEN: I think I'm afraid that I will end up alone.

Kathleen was in her late 30's and was very desirous of finding Mr. Right and starting a family.

MARGARET: Why do you believe you will end up alone if you practice Inner Bonding and learn to love yourself?

KATHLEEN: I'm afraid that a man will not be attracted to me if I'm really together and not needy.

Kathleen had been in numerous relationships that did not work out. Invariably, the man would withdraw and she would feel devastated.

MARGARET: Kathleen, all of your relationships up until now have been about finding a man to make you happy. Coming from a needy and empty place within, you are looking for a man to fill you up. The men who are attracted to you are also in the same place, since we come together at our common level of self-abandonment or self-love. So you want him to fill you and he wants you to fill him, and when you pull on him to fill your emptiness and make you happy, his fears of engulfment get triggered and he withdraws. This has happened over and over, and it will keep happening until you learn to love yourself and are no longer needy.

KATHLEEN: Well, why would I even need a relationship if I love myself and I feel happy and whole?

MARGARET: When you feel happy and whole, and are filled with love inside, you will want to share your love. You will want to learn and play and create with a loved one. Sharing love is the most wonderful experience in life. And when you are healed enough to want to share love instead of get love, you will be much more likely to attract a man who also wants to share love. Granted, the world is not filled with men wanting to share love, but these men do exist, and you will have a much better chance of attracting a loving man when you desire to share love rather than get love. And you will be far better off than you are now when you learn how to love yourself and you feel happy and whole within!

Kathleen could see that if she learned to love herself and make herself happy, then at least she would not be miserable and waiting for Mr. Right to make her happy. She decided to renew her commitment to practicing Inner Bonding and see what happened.

After a number of months of practice, Kathleen started to notice a change. While she still really wanted a relationship, her reasons for wanting it were changing. After not dating for a year, she signed up on a dating website and started dating again. She was quite surprised at the response she received, which was much greater than the last time she had tried online dating.

KATHLEEN: I'm wondering why I'm attracting more and different men this time?

MARGARET: As I told you, attraction is based on our common level of woundedness or emotional and spiritual health. We might not be consciously aware of it, but we pick up others' energy, even through the Internet. By practicing Inner Bonding, you have raised your frequency and so you are attracting men with a higher frequency.

Kathleen did eventually meet Mr. Right. She and Nathan both practice Inner Bonding. They have one child and Kathleen is pregnant with their second. They both work with me when the need arises.

Obviously, practicing Inner Bonding and learning to love herself did not lead to ending up alone!

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: "Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships."

Join IBVillage and receive compassionate help and support for your healing journey.