Is your Date Brussels Sprouts or Chocolate Cake?

The other day I was at my friend’s house while she was trying to feed her two-year, Alexa, a banana. Alexa, looked at the banana for a moment and then said “No”, and went back to her toys. My friend convinced that her daughter should eat a banana tried a few of her tricks. However, no sweet-talking, no promises, not even treats changed Alexa’s “No”. She had made up her mind “No banana” and stuck to it. I watched the whole scene with amusement and was pretty impressed with how clearly Alexa knew what she did not want and how to say “No”.

I often find that when I ask my clients what kind of partner they are looking for they start by telling me what they don’t want. At first I was a bit surprised by this. Now I’ve come to realize that knowing what we don’t want is very valuable information. So, I’ve started supporting my clients in becoming clear on their “Relationship/Partner Nos”.
Before I guide you to find your top three “Nos”, lets first find out what “No” feels like to you. Let’s do a little mini exercise:

• Take a few deep breaths
• Now think of a recent experience that you didn’t like. For example, think of a new food you tasted that you didn’t like or a situation where you felt uncomfortable and you wanted to escape.
• Recall the details of your experience vividly. What do you smell? Taste? What do you hear?
• Notice what you feel in your body. Do you have a feeling of a lump in your stomach? Do you feel queasy?
• Notice how you are breathing? Is it shallow or deep? Is it rapid or slow? Constricted or open?
• What body sensations do you notice that indicate a “No” to something?
• Just notice the sensations.
• To re-set your body, take a few breaths. Move your body, arch and curl your spine a few times.

Now let’s explore the difference betwee “Yes” and “No”. In this exercise I will guide to finding your body “Yes”.

• Again, take a few deep breaths.
• Think of a recent experience that you enjoyed tremendously. For example: of eating your favorite food, or think of a time you were very happy while being with a friend or at a special place.
• Recall the details of your experience vividly. What do you smell? Taste? What do you hear?
• Now, notice how you feel in your body. Do your lips automatically form into a smile? Do you feel lightness in your body? Do your shoulders or other parts of your body relax?
• Notice how you are breathing? Is it shallow or deep? Is it rapid or slow? Constricted or open?
• Pay attention to the body sensations you notice that indicate a “Yes” to your experience.
• Take a moment to just notice the sensations.
• To re-set your body, take a few breaths. Move your body, arch and curl your spine a few times.

To create and live the relationship you truly want it is important to be able to clearly know your whole body experience of “Yes” and “No”. The more you allow your body to participate in your decision making the more you will be able to distinguish the subtle differences. A friend of mine who did this exercise once said that she noticed that there was a slight tug behind her ears that she felt when she had a “No” to doing something or going somewhere.
As you read the list below use your body awareness to identify what you don’t want in a partner. As you read each quality pay attention to your whole body “Yes” or “No” to guide you.
I want my partner to be:
1. Loving
2. Demanding
3. Irresponsible
4. Self-Absorbed
5. Caring
6. Sarcastic
7. Lazy
8. Honest
9. Rigid
10. Critical

What are your top three nos. If non of them are particularly strong go to my website www.AttractingRealLove.com. Click on ‘Resources’. Under ‘Tools’ click on “Relationship Analysis”. There you will find an exercise that uses your past relationships to find more clues to your “Nos”.

The clarity you get from this exercise will help you steer clear of the people you don’t want to be in relationship with. Paying attention to your whole body “No” gives you clues to when you are dating the wrong person.

Sometimes you might think that even though something looks good or healthy, like a Banana, your body sensations are clearly saying “No”. I encourage you to pay attention to your “Nos” and honor them over the next month, especially in relation to dating and the people you are attracted to. Take a moment and check out your body sensation. Notice your breathing. Are you getting a “No” or a “Yes”?

Remember, every relationship starts with you. Just like feeding yourself the foods you really like it is important to choose the partners you have a whole body “Yes” for.