Lessons I've Learned As A Recovering "Do-aholic"

I've always been one of those people who couldn't sit still. I always felt that unless I was "doing" or achieving something, I was being "inefficient" or lazy and I felt guilty.

It was a constant feeling of have I done enough today?

It wasn't until the age of 38 that I finally realised that this was an addiction - or compulsion that controlled many areas of my life.

If this is something you relate to you might recognise some of these traits:

1. Thinking about the future and what you need to do to get there
2. A to do list that just keeps being filled with more tasks (because you start to feel uncomfortable when it gets too short),
3. Constantly thinking about what goals you need to achieve to feel good (after you've achieved them)
4. Feeling guilty for doing nothing even on your days off
5. Living in the future
6. Over scheduling too much to do then feeling overwhelmed by it but having to try and achieve it anyway (and feeling terrible if you don't succeed).
7. Feeling you need to get just a few more tasks done before feeling good and being able to relax.
8. A need to control how and when things are done or completed to the point of obsession.

We are so used to doing what we are expected to do that we are unaware of what we really want to do and need to do for ourselves.

For a do-aholic, self-esteem is based largely on our perceptions of how others judge our performance at work and all areas of our lives. This may even manifest as giving in to the demands of "authoritative" people whom we perceive as being important.

These are just some of the traits and feelings I dealt with every day. I don't have addictions to shopping, alcohol or other substances (well maybe coconut rough chocolate), but I was a do-aholic!

It's a HUGE relief to discover (and let go) of something of that had been controlling my life for years.

Looking at the causes - was the start of a process of letting go my need to do and achieve. It started with paying attention to how I got to be that way and then focussing on ways of about doing something about it.

Here's a list of possible sources of this addiction and what to do about them:

Other peoples expectations:

What were you taught as a child about procrastination, laziness or other "achievement" based theories. What "rules" do you have about happiness? When I achieve XXX then I can allow myself the satisfaction of this (whatever that is)? Once you know what you give your self permission or punishment and reward for, then you can choose what to do with it. Does this "rulebook" serve you and is it something that was "given to you" by someone who wanted to control your actions (whether for good or negative reasons it doesn't matter). Parents use rules to keep kids in check, problem is, we forget to take over the role and make our own decisions and judgements about these rules. You can't know what's controlling you until you have awareness and know what is behind it.

"Shoulding" on yourself:

I should do this or should do that, should have made that decision, should have not spent money on that etc etc. Think about how many times a week you "should on yourself instead of saying I COULD have and will next time do this. Now that I have learned from doing that (whatever that awful or embarrassing thing might be), next time I know to do that - or to avoid the situation. Think about the positive - from your experience you have wisdom from that experience to make new decisions because you can see them.

Living in the future:

Part of the problem with "doingness" is that you are always trying to reach a goal or outcome and so you are constantly in a state of trying to get away from now and toward a future feeling of satisfaction (that you can only give yourself when you have achieved it). You are in a perpetual state of disturbance and because you are constantly telling yourself you are not allowed to feel good until you "get there", how can you ever possibly feel good?
Watch this and when you see/feel it happening, remember you can choose what rules for reward or punishment you give yourself. Try asking yourself WHY you feel you have to DO all the time and what would happen if you just let it go. What's the worst that could happen! And NO you are NOT a bad or useless person because you choose not to follow conditioning - to someone else's program you adopted along the way, either from childhood or your peers.

Two of my favourite books are The Five Levels Of Attachment and The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz Jnr. and Miguel Ruiz Snr. They are wonderful books about allowing yourself to be and reducing your rules down to just four rules to live by. They helped to free myself from my Do-ers prison.

Give Yourself permission:

I changed my do-aholic behaviour and thinking by simply watching my patterns and making conscious choices. Choosing not to be driven wholly by family or cultural expectations and making conscious choices about what defined me. You can choose to create new rules, and short small lists like housework, small achievable tasks every day with an acknowledgement when achieved that you did them because you wanted to based on a decision your conscious (not unconscious mind) made. You can also give yourself new rules like: if I do my best on that task, then that's success. Ot it's better to write a smaller list and get this things done rather than set yourself up with an impossible achievement list - and you can feel good about that!

The essence of recovering from do-aholism is to watch and decide to stop "shoulding" on yourself and accept that being fully present, calm and happy is the best gift you can give to the world, and yourself. Because a world full of happier people is always going to make it a better place for us all to live.

So be nice to yourself for being a human being, because doing is just the filling in of the time called your life with thought and action. Why not make doing something to achieve anything, big or small an enriching present moment experience.