Loving Relationships - Always

Although love is the basis for all relationships, it does not in itself create the substance of a relationship.nnAlthough we usually think of a relationship as two people, in truth a relationship can be with family, working colleagues, or friends.nnThe relationship itself is like a third person, or being …. with its own needs. The relationship – as a being – can get tired, cranky, claustrophobic, but also creative, supportive and empowering.n nOther qualities which are crucial for a loving commitment to this “being” we call a relationship are: open communication, sensitivity, generosity, consideration, loyalty, responsibility, resilience, intimacy and trust. n nBetween the members of the relationship there’s a whole other set of must have’s. Co-operation, compromise (which means joint decisions, not someone always giving in!) acceptance, allowance, forgiveness, respect and tolerance.n nWe humans are social; we congregate in groups for all sorts of reasons. We flourish in teams, families, relationships and social gatherings. We form relationships which last, and relationships which break apart.nnUltimately we want to connect with others – we want to be part of the whole of humanity. To be loved, to be acknowledged, listened to and respected for who and how we are.nNow that isn’t too much to ask…..is it?n nThere are three major roadblocks which prevent healthy relationships:n n1. Assumptions: nWe assume we understand what the other person or people are thinking. We take for granted that because we are thinking something, others are thinking or feeling the same way. In truth, we can never really know the state of mind, the attitudes, thoughts and feelings of other people – we barely know what we think or feel most of the time.!nnWe depend on ambiguous signals, to inform us about their attitudes, thoughts and feelings, and then to compound the misrepresentation,we use our own coding system, or filters to decipher these signalsn nSo if we are feeling irritated or excited, our reception of a signal will be interpreted according to our expectations from that feeling. The degree to which we believe that we are correct in divining other people’s motives and attitudes is not related in any way to the actual accuracy of their transmission to us. If we get it right, it’s usually luck!nSolution? Ask. Check and check again. If the signal is that something isn’t right or out of kilter, ask what’s up. Talk about what you are feeling and get confirmation that the feeling is on or off track. Follow your gut, it’s usually correct. If you feel that something is wrong or off track, it probably is.nn2. CompetitionnCompetition is healthy in sports, and in some instances in business, but never, ever in relationships. The danger around competitive relationships whether it be between a husband and wife, friends or colleagues is that it is uneven. Whenever there is a winner, there is always a loser. Making someone a loser doesn’t bode well for that person’s self esteem, and creates uneven relationships. Uneven relationships most often lack trust – the cornerstone of a strong relationship.n nSolution? Recognize that someone who is competitive where there’s no competition is desperately trying to prove their value. Don’t enter into the competition head to head, rather broaden the perspective of team (even a team of two) is stronger together. Sometimes this isn’t easy with a partner or team member who seems to want to prove the other person wrong all the time. Just don’t buy into it. A phrase like “I can see from your point of view you may be right, but from where I am, my view of it is different – so let’s agree to disagree”. Say it often enough and even the most competitive person will give up!n n3. Lack of TrustnLack of trust means the other(s) don’t feel safe – either emotionally or physically. This lack of trust can come from untrustworthy behaviour such as having an affair outside of a marriage, or when one person is the group is unreliable either emotionally or intellectually. n nLet me give you a couple of examples here. In a family group, if one person, particularly a person in power has a mercurial nature, and the rest of the group never knows when they will ‘blow’ – there is a distinct lack of trust in being able to rely upon feeling safe in your own home. nnIn a group of colleagues or friends, if one person is always letting the group down by not delivering on what they say they will do – that breeds lack of trust and the group will eventually have to squeeze that person out of the group if they want to maintain a healthy relationship with each other.nnSolution? If you can, face the issue head on with the person breeching trust, and if they are willing to change, prepare to allow time to rebuild the trust. If they are not willing to change, there won’t be trust – which means there can’t be a relationship. For some situations, such as a marriage or business partnership, that can be devastating, but it’s important to realize it early and make the changes necessary to move on. Otherwise we lose respect for ourselves and those around us – and that is damaging to all future relationships.n nBecause the primary relationship is always with ourselves, first we have to love, trust, and respect ourself and who we are, so that should we not get these from other relationships, we recognize it, and pull out before any damage can be done to our core.When we love, trust and respect ourselves, we participate in healthy relationships – whether with friends, lovers or colleagues - and they are always out of want rather than need. n nSo as with all things in our lives, we have to get it right with our self first. But that’s a whole other article! n n n n