Make Your Own Decisions in Finding a Partner & Developing an Intimate Relationship

Introduction The “choices” you make when choosing a partner as well as when reacting and behaving in a relationship are often unconscious and affected by many factors from the past which control you, and are liable to harm your relationships. Self-awareness enables you to understand which factors impact your “choices”. It empowers you to make conscious choices in finding and cultivating a healthy and intimate relationship. You then become the boss of your own choices and decisions. ** You might wonder what the connection is between being a boss and be able to develop a good relationship. Well, being your won boss doesn’t have anything to do with your professional life, but rather with the personal, with yourself, and with the way you approach partners and relationships. What does “Be Your Own Boss” mean, when it comes to relationships? Most of us think that we make decisions logically and thoughtfully, out of awareness to our needs and will. That, however, is not always the case. Many of our decisions and choices are controlled by the messages we internalized at a young age, by the perception of reality we have developed, by our fears and needs, expectations and fantasies. Example 1: Meg and George Meg and George moved in together about a week after they met and immediately began to talk about having a family and raising children. They were in heaven. Everything seemed perfect. They didn’t use contraceptives. The crisis started when Meg discovered she was pregnant. Suddenly, she backed off from her desire for a family. She felt she wasn’t ready yet; that first she wanted to obtain a profession. She didn’t understand why she’d been so hasty. Explanation As a child, Meg internalized the message that “a girl should marry young and have children”. Without being aware, this message affected her “choice” of moving so quickly in with George and immediately thinking about a family. It is only when she becomes pregnant that she realizes what a mistake she has done. Example 2: Sandra and Dave Not a day goes by without Sandra arguing with Dave about straightening up the house. She reproaches him, saying that he never helps out, claiming that he’s self-centered and inconsiderate. He tells her to get off his back and stop telling him what to do. They have the same fight every day, and it's beginning to ruin their relationship. Explanation Sandra is not aware that mimicking her mother, she's become a prisoner of her "choice" to maintain a clean home at all times. She’s not able to change her behavior (which by now has become a pattern), even though it’s sabotaging her relationship with Dave. When it comes to relationships, being your own boss means: you make conscious decisions about your attitudes and behaviors regarding partners and relationships. You control your decisions, rather than they control you! Why the "choices" you make are often not conscious? How is it that many of the “choices” you make are not conscious - and nevertheless you often believe they are? The answer is simple: you are often not aware of the many factors affecting your "choices". You have grown up unconsciously internalizing messages and adopting perceptions and beliefs that drive your choices. Example 3: Sally Sally really wants to cultivate a permanent, secure relationship but for some reason, she always ends up with partners who abandon her. She doesn’t understand how that keeps happening to her. Could it be that “all men are the same”? Explanation Sally grew up in a home in which her parents were always fighting. Her father constantly threatened to leave until one day he actually did. This situation created the belief in her mind that: “That’s the way men are, they always leave”. This belief drives her into relationships with men who always leave her: * Sometimes she unconsciously “chooses” men who aren’t free (married; workaholics; afraid of commitment). Through these "choices" she “protects” herself: she knows in advance that one day they’ll leave. * Sometimes she “chooses” to behave in ways that will cause her partners to leave (she accuses them of cheating; smothers them with her neediness; argues with them constantly). As long as Sally will not become aware of her “choices”, she is likely to sabotage her relationships time and again. Example 4: Pablo Pablo was often sick and always expected Doreen to take care of him. When she didn’t, he would protest angrily and demand more attention. The more time passed and the more often Pablo got sick, the more they argued. Explanation Just like Sally, so do Pablo’s unconscious “choices” of behavior sabotage his relationship: As a child, Pablo suffered from asthma, and each time he had an attack, his mother nursed him devotedly. Pablo learned that when he needs attention, the way to get it is to become sick. He is not aware of his own “choice” of behavior. When Doreen doesn’t take care of him with the devotion he’s grown accustomed to from his mother, he protests angrily. His behavior distances Doreen instead of bringing her closer. Why is it important to become aware of your choices? As long as you are not aware that your “choices” of reaction and behavior are controlled by a host of factors, you won't be able to make other choices. Consequently, you run the risk of sabotaging your relationships time and again. When you develop Self-Awareness, you can: * Discover, acknowledge and understand the needs, desires, fears and messages that control your choices and influence your attitudes, reactions and behavios, and * Realize how these attitudes, reactions and behaviors sabotage your relationships. The “choices” you make when choosing a partner as well as when reacting and behaving in a relationship are often unconscious and affected by many factors from the past which control you, and are liable to harm your relationships. Self-awareness enables you to understand which factors impact your “choices”. It empowers you to make conscious choices in finding and cultivating a healthy and intimate relationship. You then become the boss of your own decisions.