Meet, Date, And Be Merry--Or Married

INSIDE/NAKED RELATIONSHIPS
BY JAN DENISE
RELEASE: FRIDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2007

Meet, Date and be Merry -- or Marriednn (SET ITAL) I am 54 and was divorced in 1998. I have not had a serious relationship or sex since 1996. I have been to all types of singles groups and, of course, nightclubs, which I am not into and haven't been for a while. I own my own business, I'm funny and fairly attractive, but I have not met or attracted that many men. So what is up with all this? (END ITAL)
There's no secret formula (unless you're trying to sell books) for meeting people you want to date. You meet them the way you meet anybody else. Go where they are and introduce yourself. Don't know where they are? Look around, but beware of traps. If you're not into nightclubs, don't go expecting to find a person you (SET ITAL) will (END ITAL) be into. n Do what you love to do. You want to introduce the enlivened you (some people feel more downtrodden than alive at singles events). Sparkle is what makes us attractive. n There's a familiar (and debated) story of how Hillary Rodham walked across the Yale Law School library and introduced herself to Bill Clinton. Even those who accuse the senator of inflating her importance in the story readily admit she intrigues and goes for what she wants. And you can do the same, playing by your own rules.
Get comfortable with yourself, and you'll be warm and receptive and engaging -- very attractive qualities. Practice on people you're not interested in dating or people you don't (SET ITAL) know (END ITAL) you're interested in dating. Have fun with it. And you just might find yourself dating somebody you thought was too rich or too poor, too young or too old, who is really just perfect.
Make meeting people the easy part, and let the dating take care of itself. It will, if you don't get too caught up in what it's "supposed" to look like. Now, there are so many ways of dating that you can just pick one … better yet, just do what feels right. It doesn't have to be the way your parents did it or the way your friends do it or the way your children will do it.
If you think of dating as simply a way to get to know somebody you (SET ITAL) might (END ITAL) be romantically interested in, you have a better chance of truly getting to know them. You get rid of some of the pretense about money and chivalry and dress and sophistication. You can be you.
And the liberated (SET ITAL) you (END ITAL) will surprise you with merriment! Enjoy the "merry" for what it is. See where it leads, with loose reins, one step at a time. n Be honest with yourself and those you meet about what you want. "I don't know" is a valid answer -- and a better answer than any lie or appeasement you might conjure up. n It's easy to get it in your head -- and hard to get it out -- that you want to meet somebody and get married. Well, maybe you do. But it might not be what you're ready for right now. In which case, it's not what you really want right now.
Get to know and love who you are without the mask, that thing we show other people, particularly those we think we might want to have sex with. If you think you don't have a mask, maybe you don't. Or maybe you've just worn it so long that you forgot it was there.
Do you feel at peace with yourself? "Yes" means you don't wear a mask. "No" means you do.
You can wear a mask to meet people, date people and even be merry with people. But then, when you want to live happily ever after, you have to start at square one again, without the mask. n Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and coach based in Ormond by the Sea, Fla. Please e-mail her at jandenise@nakedrelationships.com, or visit her Web site at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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