Men, Women and Football: The Ete al Triangle

For many women, the perennial ete
al triangle between men, women and football is coming to a close – for this year anyway. Depending upon when you're reading this, Super Bowl is now history (or almost history). You’ve got your husband back. Though if you’re not rejoicing, it may mean that your man has simply switched to another sport. If it’s not football, it’s baseball, basketball, golf, soccer or tennis. What’s a woman to do?

She may wonder if she’s making too big a deal out of it. After all, it’s not another woman he’s involved with. Still, his non-stop love affair with sports may tear away at her self-esteem, leaving in its wake resentment and rage as she ponders whether the relationship is worth the pain.

If you are enmeshed in this type of ete
al triangle, here’s what you must do to change it. Do I hear you saying, “Me? He should change, not me.” True enough. But you’re the one who’s experiencing the pain. He’s fine with things as they are - except, of course, for your complaining. So, initiating change is in your best interests.

Here are five ideas to help you feel better about yourself and the relationship:

1. Keep your expectations realistic.
I know it would be great if you told your husband how alienated you’ve been feeling and he responded, “You’re right, honey. I’ve truly neglected you. You’re a great wife and I owe you a huge apology. I will stop watching sports right now to make up for all the time I overdid it." In the history of mankind, this kind of response has never occurred. So let’s move on to other ideas, shall we?

2. Change from a victim mentality to a can-do mentality.
Shift your focus away from what your partner is doing. Instead, empower yourself by focusing on what brings you pleasure. Give yourself the freedom to do what you want, rather than waiting around for him to pay attention to you. Decide how you will spend the day when he’s glued to the TV. Get tickets to a show you’ve wanted to see. Develop an interest of your own that keeps you smiling. Create a Super Bowl party for women in the same boat. They’ll thank you for it and you’ll have a good time to boot.

3. Move from hopelessness to hopefulness.
At times, you may ruminate about how awful things are, believing that, “Nothing will ever change” or “I’ve tried everything and he just won’t budge.” Alter those depressing thoughts. Focus on more hopeful (yet realistic) thoughts, such as “I’ll tell him what I want and need,” or “I know what to do to make myself feel better.”

4. Express your feelings in a balanced way.

Overreact and you will be seen as a crazy, hysterical, out-of-control woman. Under react and you will be courting depression and possibly setting the stage for a volatile response on another day. So, see if you can express your feelings, your wants, your needs, in a balanced way.

5. Strive for a solution-oriented conversation.
Rather than consistently complaining about what he’s doing or not doing, strive for a solution-oriented conversation. Create compromises. Initiate trade-offs. Suggest solutions that might work for both of you.

Patterns that have existed for awhile do not change ove
ight, so don’t get discouraged. Give the above suggestions a serious try. If nothing seems to be changing, however, seek out professional help. Meanwhile, make sure you’re taking care of yourself and being your own best friend.
©2011