Mother Enmeshed Men: Did A Man’s Father Play A Part In Why He Didn’t Develop Boundaries?

If a man spends a lot of time doing things for and focusing on his mother, it is likely to mean that he won’t have much of a life. To use an analogy: it will be like he has lent a beam to another person to keep their house in place.

As a result of this, his house will be without the support that it needs, and, if it hasn’t completely fallen down, it probably soon will. The difference here is that he might not even realise that he is giving his mother most of his life force and is neglecting himself.

Invisible

There can be people in his life that can clearly see that he is neglecting himself but this won’t be something that he can see. If they were to point this out to him, he could end up becoming defensive.

Another person could then have his best interests at heart and yet, he can end up having a go at them. If this was to take place, he will end up “shooting the messenger” and perhaps, end up pushing away the support that he needs.

Always Ready

So, if his mother was to call or message him and she wanted him to do something, he could soon be on his way. What he was doing will then be put to one side and his mothers’ needs will take precedence.

He might not have any children, but his mother will be like a child; she can create the impression that she can’t handle life by herself. Now, this could show that she is unwell but it could also show that she is very needy and unwilling to take responsibility for herself.

Taken For a Ride

However, even if his mother is unwell, there could still be a lot that she could do to allow her son to live his own life. Assuming that she could handle life by herself if the desire was there, it will show that she is being very selfish and is using her son.

The key will be for him to wake up out of the altered state that he is in and to see what is going on. To see that if his mother truly loved him and wanted what was best for him she would want him to live his own life, not to waste his life by focusing on her.

The Same Old Story

If he continues to do what his mother wants and doesn’t stand his ground and say no from time to time, his life will continue to pass. This will be time that he won’t be able to get back; it will be gone forever.

The big question is: why is he unable to see what is going on and to start asserting himself? Most likely, he will have been putting his mother’s needs first for most of his life and he might not even be aware of most of his own needs.

Born To Play a Role

This will be why he won’t realise that he is ignoring himself and why this will be what feels comfortable. During his early years, his mother would have used him to fulfil some of her adult and unmet childhood needs.

He would then have been in touch with his needs and feelings when he was born but he would have soon had to disconnect from them and lose touch with his body in the process. After a while, focusing on his mother’s needs and being estranged from himself would have felt comfortable.

A Deeply Traumatic Time

Still, not having his needs met would have been very painful and he would have remained in an undeveloped state. If he did express himself, he would have probably been disapproved of, punished and/or abandoned.

So, from a very early, he would have come to associate his needs and feelings, his true self, as being bad and expressing himself as a threat to his very survival. Hiding himself and focusing on his mother's needs was the only way for him to receive attention, acceptance and approval and to stay alive.

Another Part

His mother’s lack of attunement would have also stopped him from being able to develop energetic boundaries. If this invisible boundary was able to form, along with him feeling safe enough to express himself, he would be in touch with himself and it wouldn’t be difficult for him to assert himself and to say both yes and no at the right time.

Additionally, he may have had a father who was unable to stand his ground and allowed his partner, the man’s mother, to walk over him. As he would have most likely identified with his father as part of his own development, he would have come to believe that this is how a man acts around a woman.

Destined To Happen

The foundations were then laid by his mother very early on and his father would have further enforced what took place. If his father, on the other hand, had stood up to his mother and asserted himself, it would have made him question, unconsciously, if not consciously, the conditioning that he had received very early on.

This would have indirectly sent him the message that he is not on this planet to be there for his mother and that he can express himself. His father was probably emotionally unavailable and deeply wounded from his own childhood, hence why he ended up with a deeply wounded woman.

Awareness

If a man can relate to this and he is ready to change his life, he may need to reach out for exte
al support. This is something that can be provided with the assistance of a therapist or healer.