My Divorce journal - Sneaking Suspicion

Last week I was questioning what the statistics are for my children’s emotional stability. This week I have a sneaking suspicion that my journal has been read.

Then – 2/21/2004

“I have a sneaking suspicion that ‘Carl’ has been reading this journal. He’s been caught reading it before. If he’s reading this then let me say one thing – JERK haven’t you given me enough reasons to not trust you?! You will NEVER have my trust back if you pull s*&t like this. You try to listen in on conversations I’m having on the phone; you’re reading my journal! If you are that desperate to keep the family together then why do you do such destructive things?! You continue to make terrible choices and you hate living with the consequences – go figure”

Now – 4/24/2011

If you’ve ever written in a journal or a diary you know how vulnerable you feel. It becomes a sacred text in a way, documenting your every thought and allowing you to express yourself in a way that is often impossible when talking to other people. Sharing your deepest, darkest feelings on paper is like shining a light in the room of your soul.

With that said, I was living with a liar and a manipulator so I was VERY aware of where I placed my journal, how I saved the next page, the subtle nuances that only the author of the journal would be aware of. So when I had a sneaking suspicion that he was reading my journal I was torn between stopping my writing, confronting him, setting a trap for him, etc. The funny thing looking back on that time is that it really didn’t matter what I wrote in a private journal or said directly to his face, he was in denial about our situation. He was looking for a treasure map in my jou
als, trying to discover answers that I was already telling him in our conversations; the problem was, he wasn’t listening and was harming things even more by not giving me my private space to get clear about my thoughts. I was so distraught at the time that I started writing from the back of the black and white notebooks that I used as my journal, this way when he opened the front there would be various insignificant things written but not my true thoughts. It seems silly now to go to such lengths to outwit him but it gave me a small piece of mind and sense of control over my world.

I’ve come a long way since then. I still journal everyday but my books are left by my writing chair for anyone who feels the need to enter my world. I’m no longer worried about my deepest, darkest thoughts because they’re a part of my wonderfully empowered life.

Next week – Another option