My Divorce journal - What’s the Right Thing To Do?

Last week I’m being questioned about whether I’m being too dramatic. This week I’m questioning what the right thing is.

Then – 2/15/2004

“Yesterday was Valentine’s Day. I did not get him a Valentine card from me, just from the kids. I looked at some cards, but I just couldn’t do it. It felt too hypocritical. He feels more like a distant friend to me, but I couldn’t buy him a friend card. Either way I figured that whatever expectations he was having of me, he was going to be disappointed.

I got a really great, funny card for the kids to give him. He is a good dad and he deserves a Valentine from the kids. But from me? I tossed and turned last night after seeing how angry he was that I didn’t get him a card. I have this fear of not doing the right thing in this situation. But do the right thing for whom? I did the right thing for the kids; I got them a fun card to give to their daddy and made them laugh. I also did the right thing for me; I just couldn’t be phony and buy a card no matter how generic the writing was. I was true to my feelings. If I had just bought a card and signed my name, no matter what the card said, I wouldn’t feel right.”

Now – 4/10/2011

That was a really tough decision for me. I had been raised to do the right thing and be the better person but I just couldn’t be phony. I remember standing in the card store picking up card after card and not knowing what to do. On the one hand I didn’t want another argument and on the other hand I didn’t want to send the wrong message and raise his hopes up. For a long time I would analyze the possible outcomes and choose the action that would create the least amount of drama if possible.

However that Valentine’s Day was a step towards honoring myself and my feelings. I knew he would be upset and if his past behavior was any indication, he would make sure the kids were dragged into his anger. I knew that if I just bought as generic a card as possible that it would appease him for the moment and there would be less drama. More importantly, as I stood staring at all the card choices, I knew that I couldn’t continue pretending for everyone else’s sake. The right thing in that moment was what was right for me and my feelings.

It was a simple yet powerful choice I made to honor myself that day and was a small turning point in self awareness and self care.

Next week – What are the statistics?