The Reality of “Being Friends”

Hi Doctor,

I am getting to know a Christian girl. We have been going out for almost two months and I told her that I like her. In the beginning she told me that she was not interested in a relationship right now but was ok with being friends and she continues to go out with me. She answers my calls most of the time but when she doesn't I become anxious and I start thinking too much.

Please how can I deal with it?
Thanks.

Hello!

Of course she likes going out with you - you're free entertainment! She gets to have free meals, movies and is generally entertained when she goes out with you. Even better she gets to tell her friends that she has guys "...hanging all over her..."

That doesn't mean she's ever going to give you anything more just because you buy her food and drinks.

It also sounds like you're trying to dominate her time. You didn't mention this specifically but it's a common pattern in this sort of situation. By doing so, she never gets the chance to miss you or to use her feminine mind to build you up.

Let me give you some secrets you need to understand about women:

1) Women don't want to be chased - they want to DO the chasing.

This is an important lesson for any man to learn. If you chase a woman (like this one), she sees herself as "above you" in your relationship. That's very bad because women want to date "up". That is, they want to date (and win) someone that is above them instead. You're proving with every date that you're not this guy.

2) She already knows that she "owns you"; thus, you're worth nothing to her. Thus, if she gets you, what does she really get? Nothing.

3) All women "define" themselves by their relationships just as we guys "define" outselves via our careers. Any time a woman says that she doesn't want a relationship "right now" it means that she doesn't want a relationship "with you."

4) You've already played your hand so you have nothing to bargain with. You've told her that you "like her". She doesn't have to chase you because you've already given yourself away to her - for free.

In effect, what you did was tell her that you liked her in the hopes that she would just somehow fall in love with you and then, do all your work for you. Since she didn't, now you continue trying to dominate her time and get anxious when she doesn't pick up the phone because you're afraid that she's out with someone else.

If you really want this girl, you're going to now have to work 10 times harder - and smarter - than you'd otherwise have had to. Your chances of having her now are extremely remote and my best advice to you is to move on and find someone else that you DON'T make these mistakes with.

Of course, you're not going to take that because as a guy you actually believe that you can win someone if you just work hard enough. Ok, that's fine. Let me tell you what you need to do now:

1) Get very scarce. Don't call her, don't contact her, don't run into her - nothing. If she contacts you, that's fine, but take 3-4 days to get back with her. Don't do it immediately.

2) If she contacts you, tell her that you don't want to be her "friend" - you already have enough of these - and if she isn't into a "relationship right now" (bullshit as we've already discussed) that you're not interested in her either.

3) (Most important step): start dating other women RIGHT AWAY! It doesn't really even matter if you're interested in them or not! You just have to get out there in order to clear you mind of this girl. When you don't need her, you'll be able to make better decisions about how to win her.

Sorry my brother, that's the reality.

Best regards...