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One of the “surest” ways to fail in your relationships is by not being connected to your will; by compromising yourself at the altar of the relationship and by not being true to yourself. It is important that you understand why you’ve chosen these ways and realize how by doing so you sabotage your relationships. When you can get up the courage to connect to your will and be true to yourself you can develop a healthy and satisfying relationship.
What does “not being connected to your will” mean?
Not being connected to your will means, you don’t know what you really want in a relationship. Everything that your partner wants (and demands) is fine with you. At times you know what you prefer, but are ready to give up on your will in order to pacify your partner, to not rock the boat, to avoid any possible conflicts and arguments. By doing so you become a victim, a person without an authentic voice, “inviting” abuse from your partner.
Probably you don’t perceive yourself this way. Rather, you see yourself as someone who has a lot of love to give; someone who knows how to compromise; someone who knows how to “be there” for your partner(s). But keep in mind the following:
1. It is much easier for you to perceive yourself this way, rather than admit you have given up on your will and became a victim.
2. If you would have indeed been a loving and a caring person – yet in touch with your own will – there would have been no reason for you to feel frustrated and disappointed over and over again in your relationships; no reason for your to be dumped and left by your partners time and again; no reason you would have not been able to develop and maintain a satisfying long-term relationship.
Getting in touch with your will is a prime condition to have a healthy intimacy.
How can you get in touch with your will?
In order to get in touch with your will you need to get to know yourself. When you become self-aware and understand the factors that have driven you to give up on your own will, you can get up the courage to begin behaving in accordance with your desires.
Lisa’s story illustrates one woman’s courage to (finally) connect with her will:
Dissatisfied and frustrated by not having her needs met for a long time, feeling that she has become detached from her own will, Lisa decides to delve into herself and try to understand what makes it so difficult for her to stand for what she wants. She doesn’t want her relationship with Adam to end, yet she feels that she can’t go on like that. She doubts that she will find anyone better, but the current situation is driving her crazy. She has to take care of herself, she just has to! And the step to begin with, she understands, is by looking inside and honestly reporting to herself what she sees.
Explanation
Confronted with too many frustrations, Lisa understands that the only way to change things in her relationship is by getting to know herself better. Indeed, she likes to perceive herself as ever-compromising, but still, this has gone too far!
Focus on what you want, not on what you need
Lisa is taking the time to get in touch with her needs and desires; to understand what she really wants from a relationship. She learns to switch her focus from what she always thought she needed to do to what she wants to do. She realizes that until now, she didn’t really know the difference between the two.
What about you?
A good way to connect with your will is by continuously checking with yourself what you want in your interactions with your partner, and thus become empowered and assertive to be true to yourself while maintaining a mutual give and take.
Overcoming fears
On Monday evening, Lisa is at home reading a book. Suddenly the phone rings. “How are you?” asks Adam, “How about going to a movie tonight?”
Lisa’s initial reaction is to say “Yes” and accept his invitation. It's what she is used to for a long time. But right now she’s caught up in the book she’s reading. She also reminds herself that she has decided to stop her automatic reactions and behaviors and adopt new ones. She isn’t sure what to answer. They spent the weekend together and it was great, but now, with this book…true, she wants to see him, and is also a little afraid to say “No”. But she has to stick to her decisions, be true to what she really wants at this given moment – to have time for herself and read a book.
Deep down inside, Lisa is debating with herself. She finally gets up the courage and explains to Adam that she’s reading a terrific book she really can’t put down. Maybe they could meet afterwards or tomorrow.
Explanation
When Lisa gets in touch with her will, it becomes easier for her to behave according to what she wants and deal with any fears she might have regarding Adam’s possible reaction. Connecting with her will enables Lisa to know what she wants and to behave accordingly; to be authentic and honest.
Do you have the courage to get in touch with your will?
Fears you might not be aware of might prevent you from getting in touch with your will: fear of abandonment, rejection, criticism and being alone. You then protect yourself from these fears by not connecting with your will and not behaving in accordance with your desires. You’re afraid, consciously or unconsciously, that if you get in touch with your will and behave according to it, your fears will materialize.
When you get up the courage to get in touch with your will, you are able to overcome the fears that have prevented you, until now, from expressing your desires.
What does “getting in touch with yourself” mean?
The courage to get in touch with your will entails getting to know and understand yourself better. This might sound odd to you: Know yourself better? But YES! You may think you know yourself (most people think likewise) – but if you have been failing in your relationships over and over again it might well be that you don’t know yourself well enough; that you are unaware of the ways in which you might be sabotaging your relationship (one way is: by giving up on your will). Therefore, you should develop your Self-Awareness and get to know yourself better.
Self-Awareness is the key to becoming able to connect to your will
When you develop Self-Awareness and realize the ways in which you have been sabotaging yourself and your attempts at relationships until now that you become able to stop this cycle from re-occurring, make the necessary changes and become able to develop and maintain a healthy and satisfying intimate relationship.